Wendy Dennis (“What is Marriage?” December/January) asks if the institution of marriage needs to be reconsidered, or if it’s just us. Well, I think it’s us. The bleak state of marriage today is rooted in our ambivalence towards it. Marriage is one of the most worthy endeavours a person can embark upon, but it is not magic. It’s about choosing someone familiar, with whom one has much in common, and building a lifelong connection. We must take our time, and choose our partner carefully, using all our faculties, not just the desperate or indulgent ones.
Dennis also wonders if many of us are failing at marriage because expecting to live happily with one person for the rest of our lives is an absurd idea. In fact, expecting to live happily for the rest of our lives is itself absurd. Life is imperfect. But the urgency of modern life need not seep into marriages. Marriage, by its very nature, provides all the time in the world to sort things out, and to understand each other better. It is almost as massive and flexible as life itself, so fill it creatively. And please, have a little faith.
Gaëlle Hortop
Montreal, Quebec
Wendy Dennis calls marriage the glue that holds our society together, writing: “when marriage falters, the social fabric begins to unravel.” Oh, the pressure. Not too long ago, my own relationship navigated some rough seas, and I began to consciously explore how hard I’ve worked all my life to avoid disappointing men. From this process arose a question: In a world where men and women are not equal, is it possible for a woman to have an equitable relationship with a man? It seems unlikely to me. However, because it is up to each of us to unravel that social fabric and change the pattern, we have no choice but to keep trying.
Pamela Brown
Campbellford, Ontario
Wendy Dennis’s article was witty, interesting, and thought-provoking. Individualism is promoted and fostered in our society in many ways, from what we buy to how we vote. Research even suggests that North Americans attend church primarily for what they or their family will “get out of it.” The pick-and-choose-whatever-suits-me mentality works in many of these situations. An individualistic approach to marriage, however, is likely to fail.
As I reflect on my parents’ marriage, one word comes to mind: selflessness. My parents made many sacrifices for each other, and for us children, which would often contradict their individual desires, goals, and comforts. When faced with difficult situations, the first question for them was not, “How will this influence me?” but instead, “How will this influence my partner?” Surprisingly, as they made these decisions, they seemed to be happy. With this commitment to selflessness, their marriage has withstood daily troubles and challenging trials.
In my own marriage, with three children, I find that my first instinct when evaluating my situation is to ask, “How are things working out for me?” Now, after reflecting on my parents’ marriage, I am attempting to find ways to make my partner feel more fulfilled, free, and supported. I find that the best moments of our partnership are when we are thinking of each other. When we do this, acts of selflessness are encouraged.
Marcus Reed
Sherwood Park, Alberta
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