Designs for Dementia

The senilization of the boomer bulge is almost upon us. The World Health Organization estimates that by 2025, the number of people over sixty-five will rise from 390 million to 800 million. Not all of them, it’s true, will be living in your spare bedroom—but by 2050 the number of North Americans living with dementia could reach as high as 16.5 million. And up to half of us who reach eighty-five will suffer some degree of dementia.

So. Sixteen-and-a-half million of us, combing the underground parking lots saying, “It’s silver—no, metallic blue....” Hundreds of us in the Starbucks lineup saying “Hello, I’d like to make a deposit.” Armies of us forgetting that we’ve been fired, and turning up at the office.

We might retain a few isolated phrases—“Pinot noir” or “Does it face south?” or “Is my gas tank on this side?” But not only will many of us no longer make much sense, we won’t be able to walk about or zip up our boots.

As we lose our minds, cell by cell, however, one thing we won’t misplace or forget is our lifelong boomer conviction that we are “special,” and not about to retire, or age, or ever stop whitewater kayaking. And when death insists that we meet him for a quiet dinner some night, we will assume there is going to be valet parking.

This is why, right now, in the cubicle of some heartless entrepreneur, products are being developed for the online catalogue that will soon replace L.L.Bean and Victoria’s Secret on the sadly barren desks of our future: Designs for Dementia. Here are a few items you may want to order early—before you forget.

The Recycling Cardigan
It’s not a pretty thought, but one day you will find it impossible not to spill your food on yourself. Crackers will crumble on your merino turtleneck, cheese will dot your trousers, and your shirt front will resemble a tasting menu. Designs for Dementia (with the handy mnenomic D for D) offers an attractive alternative to this: The Recycling Cardigan. Made of lambswool, polymer, and dried peat moss, this stylish cable-knit cardigan absorbs and quietly recycles any food particles that come in contact with the sweater (up to kibble-size fragments only). The peat moss converts the morsels to a harmless and almost odourless nitrogen-related gas. This enriches the atmosphere?—?at the same time that it safeguards your appearance and dignity. Available in ballpoint-ink navy, toast-crumb brown, and Dijon ochre.

The Grape
Consider this the next generation of the BlackBerry: a cellphone/organizer for the elder boomer with cognitive deficits. The Grape combines a gps system with a simplified keypad that offers only one key: when you press the Grapeface, it dials the number of your extended-care institution and then relays the message “Please come and get me.” The gps then transmits your location. With its no-fumble Velcro wrist strap, The Grape will restore confidence and allow users to blend into the wired world. When you use it in public, everyone will assume you’ve just upgraded your BlackBerry—when, in fact, you’ve gently retreated to the mono-tasking elegance of The Grape.

The Prada Walker
How long will it be before the curb becomes your Everest? Not long, if you’re reading this! Right now, you may be the sort of driver who honks at the elderly as they take their sweet time navigating crosswalks, but in twenty or thirty years, you too will be staggering through intersections with ups trucks bearing down on you. But don’t settle for ordinary walkers, with their overtones of frailty and advanced age. Lurch forward in style, gripping the matte-black and brushed-chrome handlebars of the Prada Walker. Like the upscale paramilitary baby strollers preferred by urban parents, the Prada Walker is equipped with an all-weather transparent dome, a beverage holder, a milk frother, and a dual function carrier/seat. When you find yourself lost in the bowels of the mall, simply sit, grip the “ignition claw,” and the Walker will motor you home — if you still know where that is!

“Hello...Lucy! How nice to see you!”