Designs for Dementia

The “Hello...Lucy!” product is one of our most popular new items. You don’t need to be demented to experience something we all go through: the erosion and loss of proper names. At the office party, the boss’s wife approaches. Your brain starts skipping like a dirty CD: Uhhhhh...oh God, it’s an L word...Laura...Linda...Lillian.... Your smile freezes, because a new colleague has joined you and you now have to introduce these two people. But with the “Hello...Lucy!” simply by touching your earring (or watch band), you activate the scanner-identikit that secretly reads the face of your boss’s wife, which you have previously stored in your iLucy archive. This instantly retrieves her name and prompts you through a small nude-coloured earpiece. As you confidently step forward, saying, “Lucy! How lovely to see you again!” no one will ever guess that you have lost 50 to 60 percent of your short-term memory.

Elder Post-its
We’re all familiar with cubicles aflutter with Post-its reminding us of tasks and passwords. But with age, we will buy more and more Post-its, while forgetting to write anything on them. But Elder Post-its ease this transition; each package is already printed with universal reminders, such as “Call accountant,” “Book colonoscopy,” and “Close the fridge.”

The DiaperThong
When is a diaper not a diaper? When it’s a high-absorbing, low-riding, Burberry-plaid saucy thong, that’s when. Nothing says “Meet me in the TV room after lights out” like this practical and playful piece of lingerie.

For men, D for D also offers the Tiger Woods “Hole-in-One” khakis, with a discrete catheter tube running down the inseam. For gentlemen with prostate issues or are simply too idle to walk to a toilet, the “Hole-in-One” allows you to inconspicuously void — in meetings, on the golf course, or even while dancing.

The Asbesta-Bed
Don’t imagine that you will finally be vice-free when you’re ninety-seven. You may need even more! Nicotine, for instance, increases the speed of synaptic transmission in the brain — so consider the benefits of chain-smoking after the age of eighty-five. You can lie in your adjustable bed, smoking your special “grippy paper” elder cigarettes, with the filter end coloured lime green so you don’t accidentally light it. And the Asbesta-Bed is specially designed with the aged or demented bon vivant in mind; the box spring is fireproof asbestos, and the mattress is designed to smoulder without ever bursting into flames. It produces enough smoke to trigger ceiling detectors. (The Hemlock Society would like to add that this alarm function can be disarmed.)

The Inhibitor
Self-expression has always been a core value of the boomer generation. However, with dementia, this tendency can accelerate into inappropriate, “disinhibited” behaviour. You may find yourself in a crowded dental waiting room, loudly saying, “You’re pretty cute, come on over here and give me a big kiss,” or “Someone with an ass like yours should never wear pants.” The answer to these impulses is The Inhibitor, a cellphone-sized device worn on the belt and controlled by a small remote carried by a spouse or caretaker. The Inhibitor delivers a harmless electric shock and is invaluable at family gatherings, when “frank” outbursts — “Everybody thinks you never molested our sister but I know otherwise” — can have unpleasant consequences.

The Coffee ‘n’ Crematorium
One delicate problem with advanced dementia is that it may very well slip our minds that...we are going to die. We won’t plan for it, or take steps to hasten it — which will be all the rage by 2025. So Designs for Dementia hopes to launch Coffee ‘n’ Crematoria, a chain of upscale cafés which also act as “full service exit consortiums.” (This usage is thought to be the origin of the word crema, the Italian term for the froth that forms on espresso.) Membership includes the Mocha-Mori (the ultimate “coffee to go”) which delivers a triple shot of espresso, a final sugar rush, and then, poof, you’re gone. In an antechamber, your remains are then cremated and returned to the serving pod in a thermal urn. Plans to make the cremains available as a topping for special “mourning beverages” are still under consideration.

Watch for the next product line from Designs for Dementia: You’ll never know what you’re missing.