Death on the Installation Plan

Indeed. So on behalf of those subscribers who want to continue enjoying great Raj entertainment in the afterlife, we’re thrilled to announce the replacement of the Best Choice Bundle with our new Eternal Bride of Raj Heavenly Choice Bundle!

With this non-negotiable upgrade, we’ll garnishee your wages and direct the money to a special trust account created in your name. Then, when Theo Raj’s henchman has finished soaking his garrotte in your neck plasma, we’ll bury you in a comely coffin featuring Raj cable TV and Woohoo! Internet services so you can enjoy great Raj entertainment as you unwind in the soothing shadow of death.

In case you’re worried you’ll miss out on the wondrous offers Raj concocts in the days before tomb raiders scavenge your crypt for copper wire and ritual bones, we’ll also outfit your corpse with a two-way headset connected to our call centre in St. John’s. If you decline to say no when we offer you additional services, we’ll simply assume you want them and extract the cost from your trust.

We’re sure you’ll agree this is a “great deal for the great beyond.” Just let us know which custom casket you’d like to be buried in, and one of our forensic accountants will take care of the rest.²

Thank you for choosing a two-year Best Choice Bundle.


¹Formidable Choice benefits apply only to deaths adjudged by a Raj-approved coroner to be the direct responsibility of Raj Inc. Fatal acts of God known to be triggered by Raj-issued cellphones — including, but not limited to, earthquake, locust swarm, and archangel attack — are not covered.

In the event death is adjudged the responsibility of Raj Inc. — for instance, following the inevitable ordering of a hit on the customer by our ceo, Theophus Raj, Esq. — the customer agrees not to hold Raj Inc. liable for civil damages. Should criminal proceedings ensue, the customer agrees to have his or her estate executors instruct key witnesses to perjure themselves, thereby absolving Theophus Raj of any responsibility for his unquenchable bloodthirst.

²Due to the current vogue for philosophical determinism in academic circles, Raj Inc. has been forced to void all Formidable Choice Insurance policies and to rechristen Heavenly Choice Bundles as Private Island Fund Bundles. This is not, please understand, a corporate decision so much as a deduction by Laplace’s demon (look it up on Woohoo!, chump).