JEJU-DO—Meat-eating in Korea is very literal. Humanity’s participation in the food chain is much less disguised than it is in North America, where people are happy to pretend their bacon burgers or pork tenderloin medallions are magically synthesized for the express purpose of being delicious. In Korean, the word for pork is dwaeji gogi — “pig meat.” Most other meats work the same way: insert name of animal, followed by the word for “meat” — not much in the way of linguistic frippery to disguise the fact that meat is basically dead flesh and ripped-apart muscle.

In an unsettling twist, restaurant signage follows suit. Many restaurants advertise specialties with pictures of their dishes, displayed right underneath jovial cartoon versions of whichever animal gave their life for the food. This is especially true of restaurants serving galbi, pork or beef rib meat barbecued over flaming charcoals stuck into the centre of your table.

The following is series of portraits of these brave ambassadors of personal flavour. As you can see, most of them look downright delighted at the prospect of ending up in your bowels. It’s a rough gig — especially if they end up down there with a few hot peppers or a bottle or five of soju — so consider this a tribute to these noble creatures, who are willing to stand up and say, “I’m proud to be edible! Ingest me and rejoice!”

1. Bazooka Pig

Although his look is aggressive, that weapon slung around his shoulder isn’t meant to intimidate you. Rather, it says, “I, like any good soldier, am willing to give my life for the reputation and well-being of my country, which at this point in history, based on the sheer number of barbecue restaurants crowding every neighbourhood in South Korea, requires not so much that I go on the attack, but that I offer up my belly in the interest of fighting hunger and late-night soju benders that could, without adequate meat padding, lead to economic crisis when the businessmen participating barf on an important international client the next morning.” Think about it: wouldn’t things in North America be a lot easier these days if John McCain just agreed to be eaten?

2. Giddy Chef Pig

“Hooray! I just char-grilled my own entrails!”

3. Thumbs-up Pig

Seemingly inspired by Roger Ebert, Thumbs-up Pig wants you to know he approves whole-heartedly of his own corpulence, and seems eager to push it in your face.

4. Stoic Boar (With Moonlight)

Not sure how the rampaging Flintstone pygmy fits into the equation, but this boar — grim though his face may be — has clearly seen, in the light of the full moon, the profound truth of his own existence, the balance of the universe and an afterlife wrapped in a cabbage leaf and smothered with sesame oil.

5. Thumbs-up Pig 2

Cousin to Thumbs-up Pig 1, this guy is so stoked by his own musk that he can’t resist licking his own nose.

6. Winkie the Farming Supercow

Dressed incognito yet tipping us off to his otherworldly deliciousness with the cape, Winkie is the Superman of beef barbecue, bringing both regular-guy humility and an appetite for self-sacrifice to the table. He’s also reminiscent of the outgoing US president, in that he’s the kind of cow you’d like to have a beer with, preferably while snacking on his vital organs.

7. Referee Chicken

Armed with a whistle and a classic striped ref shirt, this chicken says, in no uncertain terms: Game on!

8. Possibly Exploited Eel

Proving it isn’t just the land animals who get marquee status on the barbecue circuit, this guy reps for the ocean community — although the loopy look on his face suggests he may have been drugged before being lured into the tank at the seafood restaurant. Either that or he’s a special needs eel, which, of course, means one thing: wasabe.

9. Band-Aid Bum Chicken

Exactly what this angry-looking fellow is trying to get across is unclear, but since, thanks to this helpful blogger, I managed to sort out that the name of the restaurant is literally “Anus” — or, more accurately, “Butthole” — we can probably safely assume that this disemboweled fowl’s message is equally straightforward: Suck my ass. Please.

It would be discourteous to go without mentioning some of the animals I didn’t have time to photograph for this post. So, without further ado, additional kudos go out to:

** Professor Pig, wearing a mortarboard to celebrate his move from matriculation at Porcine University to mastication at your table, smiling smugly at the knowledge that his intelligence will translate into a fine, salty aftertaste.

** Holiday Pig, lolling dreamily on an innertube floating in a cauldron of flaming hot water, dreaming of his ideal vacation spot: your lower intestine.

** Buddy Cow and Chum Squid, arms and tentacles slung around each others’ shoulders (inasmuch as a squid has shoulders), inviting you to try the pleasures of bulgogi ojingo, a mix of beef and squid that usually tastes simply like burning due to the liberal use of hot pepper paste.

** Thumbs Up Horse, who apparently has already had his hooves removed in preparation for his trip to the grill as mal gogi (horse meat galbi), and seems to consider this an all-round top notch development — because hey, it’s better than ending up involved in some weird porn racket, or worse, braying for drumstick-gobbling hosebags at Medieval Times.

Titans of the Korean table: we salute you! Hwaiting!

More blogs about food: Read Joel’s blog post about Korea’s Kim Chi obsession.

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Posted on Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008 at 12:05 pm. Follow comments through the RSS 2.0 feed. Comment or trackback.