TORONTO—If I were to rank the three subjects that, on a daily basis, consume the greatest share of my working imagination, my list would look something like this:
1. Sports
2. Women
3. Alcoholic Beverages
Of course, the items on this list are a lot closer than might be inferred from their hierarchical arrangement; there’s only a fraction of difference between my three great loves. But we’re going to stick with integers because that’s how lists work best.
Basically, I really like sports. And when I say sports, I mean all sports — not just the same old ones that everyone likes, your baseballs and footballs and seniors curlings.
I also like golf.
It has always struck me as somehow significant that people from all around the world, despite their great differences in culture, upbringing and average daily consumption of clear spirits, can usually be found to agree on one thing: that when you stick a set number of people on a designated plot of land, hand them a ball of some sort, and then challenge them to put that ball in a goal, or a basket or an end zone or slam dunked inside the rotting carcass of a goat… if you challenge two sides to compete against one another in a meaningless contest governed by an arbitrary set of rules, certain observers will care; the outcome will matter to them.
The importance you place in the outcome of this meaningless contest determines your place on the sports-fan continuum. But whether you’re at the “Will watch nothing but the World Cup final every four years� end of the spectrum, or the “Will scream and holler at two wobbly washing machines racing across a run-down barroom floor in Tijuana� end, the important part is that you’re a point on the line. Welcome to the club.
* * *
My plan as the Sportstrotter is thus: to spread my attention as wide as possible, to cast a capacious net over the entire world and its frivolous games. From Toronto at present, and then from my new home in Paris later this winter, I’ll traverse the sporting spectrum, bringing you stories from all manner of cultures. No Cuban stick-and-ball game will be too obscure, no Dutch middle-school track meet too fixed, no Syrian women’s rec hockey league so nonexistent that I can’t report on (or fabricate it) for your amusement.
And now, for self-motivation and posterity, here are my pre-season goals for this column:
1. Win a championship
2. See goal #1
You feel me, people? I’m not about individual accolades, I’m not the kind of guy who’ll be checking his post-column box scores on Wednesdays and Saturdays. I’m not fishing for a huge contract when I enter free agency in the offseason. It’s all about winning.
Because isn’t that what sport is all about? Yes, it is. Win at any cost! That’s the Sportstrotter way.
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Seenloitering: The “gender analysis” in this article is upside down. Marie Calloway is a threat to the status quo because she threatens the myth that women are morally superior, above...
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