Toronto–There are just twenty days until my relocation to Paris, so I better get used to watching live sports at screwed-up times. And since I’m gaining interest in the Australian Open tennis championship, one of tennis’s four grand slam tournaments, I figured I’d test my early mettle with a 3:30am semifinal match between the sport’s dominant star and a rising gun.

Now, the match wasn’t really played at 3:30am, not in Melbourne anyways. World number one Roger Federer and up-and-coming Serb Novak Djokovic squared off in the second of two semifinal matches at 7:30 pm local time. That’s 7:30 on Friday night. In other words: this match was taking place in the future! In fact, if you’re reading this on Friday afternoon, it still hasn’t happened. But I watched it, and I can tell you who wins. Call your bookie right away. On second thought, don’t.

Here’s the play-by-play as seen from my living room couch and heard through a rather long-corded pair of headphones (Don’t wake the fiancée sleeping in the next room! It’s bad enough I’m up at 3:30am watching tennis.):

3:32 am: It’s Chris Fowler, Patrick McEnroe and Mary Carillo heading ESPN’s coverage of this match, via TSN in Canada. The trio is still abuzz over unranked Frenchman Jo-Wilfried Tsonga’s straight-sets victory over world number two Rafael Nadal last night, and Djokovic is itching to make it two huge upsets in two nights. “Will the Tsonga remain the same?� asks Fowler. Pity more North Americans aren’t awake to boo him.

3:35: Mary reminds us of Djokovic’s breakout performance at last summer’s Rogers Cup in Montreal, where he shocked all and won consecutive matches against Andy Roddick, Nadal and Federer for the title. A couple weeks later, Federer beat Djokovic in the US Open finals. Game on.

3:36: Darren Cahill reporting courtside. I have no idea who this guy is, but he’s got an Australian accent. And I have no idea what he’s talking about, but it sounds pretty badass.

3:38: The first commercial of the morning sets the tone: a cute baby selling HD camcorders. OK, I guess that makes sense, if you’re up nursing a baby and watching tennis to kill time. An incomprehensible car ad with Rafael Nadal hitting smashes in the desert follows, followed by a pitch for an internet job site. Where’s the late-night personal injury lawyer? The local single girls waiting for my call?

3:41: The summer evening temperature in Melbourne is 26C. Meanwhile I’m afraid to open my balcony door with all the frost on the planters.

3:45: Djokovic, trying but failing to out-black Federer with his on-court apparel, wins the first point of the match, coming in behind a big serve. We see a graphic that shows Novak hasn’t lost a single set in five matches at this tournament. Is Federer quaking in his (black )shoes?

3:48: As Djokovic closes out the first game, ESPN’s crack research department throws up a graphic showing the local time is 9:48 am in both Belgrade and Basel — Djokovic’s and Federer’s respective hometowns.

3:52: Mary Cirillo informs us that Federer was “involved with a bad piece of chicken� shortly before this tournament began, sidelining him for five days with food poisoning. Glad the NHL’s injury report guys aren’t running tennis: Federer would have been day-to-day with a poultry-related upper-body injury.

3:56: Djokovic’s parents shown at courtside, in matching track suits, kind of like 88-year-old American tourists in Germany. Oh my, now both his younger brothers have the same track suit on, too. It’s embarrassment, family-style!

4:01: We’re approaching sunset in Melbourne, five games into the first set. Federer has dumped a ton of unforced errors into the net so far; Djokovic better take advantage of the champ’s apparent nonchalance while he has a chance. But, just to show me up, Federer wins the next four points to take the game. I get it, Roger, you’re good. I’ll never doubt you again.

4:03: Chris Fowler previews tomorrow’s women’s final between Maria Sharapova and Serbia’s Ana Ivanovic. “That’ll be a photographer’s frenzy at courtside,� he says, which is middle-aged-male-tennis-announcer code for “both these girls are smoking hot and I definitely chose the right career.�

4:09: First big point of the match is a Federer break point at 30-40. He forces a miss from Djokovic with a wicked inside-out forehand, and he’s up a break 4-3.

4:11: Federer to serve with new balls. Ha. It’s even funnier a second later when the Aussie announcer says “new balls.� New balls! I love tennis.

4:13: I don’t believe this: three middle-aged men in Djokovic’s coaching box are all wearing the exact same blue-on-black tennis shirt as their player. Do they only have one clothing store in Belgrade? This is wild.

4:23: Djokovic’s third break point of the set, and Federer dumps a forehand into the net. We’re back on serve at 5-5, folks! The Aussie sideline guy notes that Djokovic yelled a big “come on!� at his fan/coach box – maybe he’s wondering why they’re all wearing the same outfits. “Come on, don’t be such wankers! You’re embarrassing me.� It now appears that no less than five burly Serbian men are wearing the same shirt as Novak.

4:33: After holding for 6-5, Djokovic has a set point at 30-40. And Federer lobs a backhand way long to give the Serb the first set, 7-5. A very un-Federer mistake in a big point. Time for caffeine…

4:38: I’m back with some Earl Grey tea and this family wardrobe thing just moved to another level. Novak’s parents and two brothers just stood up to reveal that they have black letters printed on the stomachs of what the announcers term their “spiffy matching jackets� to spell out “NOLE.� I’m speechless.

4:49: An amazing running backhand up the line by Djokovic put him up a break at 3-1. Still way too many errors from Federer.

4:56: “Djokovic, on fire!� says Chris as Novak breaks again to go up 5-1 in the second set. Djokovic has gone 9-1 in the last 10 service games. A simply stunning turn of events. Federer looks like he’s not sure what’s going on here – where’s the twelve-time grand slam winner, the most dominant male athlete of his generation? (Sorry, Tiger and Lance.)

5:00: Federer gets one break back, 5-2

5:01: Or does he? a Djokovic chellenge reveals that hit ball called long actually hit the line. Nothing is going right for Federer, who is getting annoyed at a fan moving around behind Djokovic’s serve. Federer gets the break anyway.

5:06: The announcers are now debating whether Federer might be sick, even though he seemed fine in pre-match interviews. It’s clear the Pete “I get sick in long matchesâ€? Sampras era is still influencing today’s announcers. “I don’t know,â€? says voice-of-reason Patrick McEnroe. “Maybe he’s just getting outplayed?â€? And rubs it in after a great Federer point with, “So, I guess he’s feeling better, now?â€? Stick it to ‘em, less-talented McEnroe brother!

5:12: At deuce, 5-3, the chair umpire warns Djokovic for bouncing the ball too many times before his serve. Novak wins the next two points, the last with an ace, and shoots a long, menacing look at the umpire after each of these points. The lesson: do not mess with a Serbian. Second set, Djokovic. The champ is not in a good spot here. The last time he came back from two sets down was 2005, and the time before that was in 2001. Yikes. On the plus side, my tea has me feeling fit to handle the winner of this match, once they’re done. 5:18 am on one hour’s sleep? Bring it on!

5:22: Down 0-40 in his first service game of the third, Djokovic wins the next five points, several of them aces, to hold. Followed by couple shots of Federer’s concerned-looking girlfriend. On cue, ESPN throws up the graphic showing Djokovic is 26-0 in grand slams when winning the first two sets.

5:31: Some quick channel-surfing to see what tennis is up against in the ratings war: an infomercial for an air gun that shoots foundation onto women’s faces; an infomercial for no-money-down loans to people with bad credit; an acne infomercial; an infomercial for making money online – “Shortcuts to Internet Millions;� a televangelist program called Believer’s Voice of Victory; some perky network morning news programs, and an episode of Andy Griffith where a con man comes to Mayberry.

5:40: I didn’t miss much, as the boys are on serve at 3-3. Meanwhile the con man is charming little Opie: he’s got him skipping school to go fishing. Andy and Barn will have to straighten this sucker out!

5:47: I’m holding off on my next jolt of caffeine, waiting to see if Djokovic polishes this baby off in straight sets so I can go back to sleep. Advantage: Federer (hey, I’m a jinx, what can I say?). 4-4 in the third, Federer to serve.

6:00: Ten o’clock in Melbourne, with temperatures still at 24 degrees and Djokovic trying to send the third set to a tiebreak. He saves two set points, and we’ll play first-to-seven-points for the third. Federer to serve first.

6:12: Five all. Some spectacular tennis in the tiebreak. Now Djokovic has a match point at 6-5. He probably wants to end it right here, not let Roger back in.

6:13: After an extended rally, Roger hits into the net. Djokovic drops his racket and falls to his knees.

And when he gets back up, what’s the first thing he does? Takes off his shirt. With all the copycats in his cheering section, somebody’s got to take a stand.

So the rather unexpected final shakes out as world number three Novak Djokovic against unranked Jo-Wilfried Tsonga. It’s the first grand slam final without Federer in three years, as Djokovic clearly outplays the Swiss sensation and hands him his first loss at the Australian Open in 20 matches.

Wake me when it’s over.

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Posted on Friday, January 25th, 2008 at 11:10 am. Follow comments through the RSS 2.0 feed. Comment or trackback.