Above: Centre Block Fire, Parliament, 1916, hours after being started by the Bironist
JB Reid, Library and Archives Canada, C-010079

I have a confession to make. Several confessions, really. And I want to get them out of the way before some muckety-muck justice department lawyer spills the beans to Amnesty International, the BC Civil Liberties Association, my sainted mother, and above all you, Ottawa. It’s not just prisoner-of-war detention practices anymore.

First, as you’ve long suspected, it was me who started the Centre Block fire of 1916. Hey, Borden started the match fight—I just finished it.

Also, my voracious appetite for piping plover is the only reason they’re still endangered.¹ Sorry for the extra work.

That Heritage Canada grant for my first play?² Kept me in grass for a year.

When I lost my job at Assisted Human Reproduction Canada? Not at all for the reason I said.³

And I’ve been seeing the Bank of Canada behind your back. We’re negotiating an economic stimulus package⁴ together. Suffice to say that it will be the best stimulus this country has ever had.

Today’s token blogger self-love: I’ve downed a pint at all 4,657 of Ottawa’s faux-Irish pubs. Just seven more bars to hit and I’ll have covered the entire social life of the city.

Next, on the Bironist: Scenes from the awkward Thanksgiving dinner when I accidentally outed Thunder Bay.

Footnotes
¹I know I shouldn’t tell you this, but the best way to cook endangered piping plover is on a rotisserie with a mint-jelly rub.
²On the advice of someone familiar with these matters, I changed the title from Things I Like About Baseball to A Childhood Impossible on my application. Also switched the content of the proposal, with its heavy thematic emphasis on sacrifice bunts, to the hardships I endured growing up in a remote, impoverished country I don’t even think exists. China, I believe it was called.
³As I’m receiving inquiries, I should point out that I’ve never actually worked at Assisted Human Reproduction Canada. Nor did I receive a Heritage Canada grant for a play. Nor have I ever written a play. Nor have I reproduced (that I know of). Also, the name on my birth certificate is not, in fact, The Bironist.
⁴Expect massive investment in the doggie-condo sector. Wave of the future.

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Posted on Friday, January 25th, 2008 at 3:23 pm. Follow comments through the RSS 2.0 feed. Comment or trackback.