Over the years I’ve been tracking the progress of the ebook. From the early days of e-ink to the first semblances of the neato page-flipping graphics, I’ve developed a small but important list of requirements for the eBook format. None of the typically discussed items (ie. will I be able to read this in direct sunlight) here; consider these the real judging criteria:

#1 The Toilet Test

I’m not ashamed to say I am slowly getting older and taking on certain habits. That said, about a year ago I started read ing quite a bit while doing my human things in the bathroom. I have a small stack of The Economist, VICE, and a few art magazines (short reading) in my bathroom right now. Likewise, any ebook must be usable enough that I can comfortably read it on the can.

The progression of e-books and e-magazines has until recently been tied to computers and not stand-alone devices. So ultimately most of them fail, as I cannot, and thankfully will not, take my computer in there with me. I haven’t reached that stage of dependency yet. I’ve yet to get a stand-alone ebook reader so I’ll keep you posted as to how they handle the toilet test once I do.

#2 Can I drop the ebook a dozen times and spill stuff all over it?

What can I say—I’m a clumsy little oaf. Again, laptop-like usage won’t cut it. Books and magazines, for all their seeming fragility are in fact tough little beasts that can survive thousands of years through harsh environments. I typically beat the crap out of my books. It’s not that I don’t respect them or cherish them, but I carry them with me at all times, have them buried in my covers in bed, or stacked on my desk with newspapers and other rubbish, even mixed in with my disgusting football (soccer) gear.

Look at the art in David Gilmour’s Walrus piece on Tolstoy (and read it too): a been-through-hell-and-back book. I simply wouldn’t treat an ebook reader that costs a small fortune this way.

#3 Will I look like the insular, cool James Dean-type guy, with big things on his mind in the coffee shop?

“Wow, look at that badass mistreating George Orwell’s 1984 in the dark corner drinking his espresso. He’s reading the crap out of that book.” Instead, with an ebook, what are they going to say? “Wow, look at that guy scroll those pages with such abandon. He is soooo hardcore. What a badass reader!”

I cannot see this, with any form of future or present ebook reader. The best we can hope is that Apple comes out with a reader that is slick and beautiful and radiates coolness. Too bad Steve Jobs doesn’t think people read anymore.

***

Regardless of who creates the best reader or format, these are my simple requirements of ebookness. Other concerns like readability and cost will work themselves out. At heart I am a tech nerd and do want to try an ebook reader on for size. So Apple, Amazon, iRex, Adobe—I am here 24/7 for input on any of your newest designs.

Please send with package of two-ply toilet paper. Quilted.

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Posted on Monday, February 11th, 2008 at 4:29 pm. Follow comments through the RSS 2.0 feed. Comment or trackback.