Another heart-wrenching night online. I’m waiting around to bid on Britney’s clothes after her appearance on How I Met Your Mother. For charity or whatever.

I’m after the blue floral cardigan by boutique designer Nanette Lepore. After missing David Duchovny’s black t-shirt by only a few hundred dollars I can’t let this one go.

As if I needed any more stress, I stumble onto Mandy Moore’s uPumpitup at Kraftbrands.com/upumpitup/. Mandy wants me to join hands with her and challenge myself and the world. Now, I’d be against feminism if I don’t join the sisterhood of Mandy. I can’t let Mandy down.

After I join her network, Mandy’s Crystal-Light-quenched smile dares me to be spontaneous and face my fears so I can, “Get a great story you can laugh about over and over again. The only rule in this challenge is to break one!”
And then it came to me. A challenge not only Mandy, but her parent company Kraft Foods could be proud of. My actual post on Mandy’s network:

Mandy, you said the “only rule in this challenge is to break one!” So I have challenged myself to break the rhetoric of your site and concomitantly, challenge Kraft (hi you guys!) to break some rules too! In 1890 Scott Paper produced the very first single roll toilet paper and changed the world forever. Since you Kraft guys and Kimberly-Clark (who own Scott) are a great bet for a merger according to Revere Merger’s and Acquisitions, I have an idea for you:

Tracy Morgan (30 Rock) is promoting his first big movie and he’d love to hook up with you for his own self-promoting Web 2.0 site too. Mandy’s got the girls covered but what about the young guys? You know what they love? Toilets. So how about Ushititout.com? This coveted demographic likes to incorporate the toilet into their personal identity. With Ushititout they can inspire themselves to do more of the things that make going to the bathroom notable and funny and share those laughs with their brethren! And while the girls are drinking all that Crystal Light, the boys will be out buying the Tracy Morgan Scott-branded toilet paper to wipe up all the Crystal Light pee.

What a great story for us all to “laugh about over and over again”! The endless highly profitable cycle of drinking/toilet humour/ wiping! A fruitful laugh riot!

Addendum: Kraft, even Mashable is on to you. If you want to infiltrate Web 2.0 you’re better off hiring brilliant Canadian bloggers (hint hint) to infiltrate the extensive social nets with your message. Building new networks on top of weak celebrity endorsements and clichéd social-net strategies is disappointing, Kraft. I mean, Crystal Light 7-Eleven Slushies—that’s genius. Besides, I’ve already been practicing casual diggs and offhand tweets. I just twittered this one minute ago:

After eating an entire jar of Miracle Whip Salad Dressing I reached for refreshment. It is nectar of ambrosia. Oh wait- it is actually Crystal Light…because I believe in me!

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Posted on Tuesday, March 25th, 2008 at 8:52 am. Follow comments through the RSS 2.0 feed. Comment, or trackback .