Earlier this week, Robert Mugabe announced that it would be “a wasted vote” for Zimbabweans to cast their ballots for anyone but him when they go to the polls this Saturday, March 29th. “It will never happen for Tsvangirai to take over government here—never,” the 84-year-old said of his chief rival, Morgan Tsvangirai. This wasn’t mere boisterous optimism; it was a military threat.

Zimbabwe’s army chief, its chief of prisons, and the commissioner general of the police had previously declared their refusal to take orders from anyone but Mugabe, regardless of who wins the election. The old man hardly even needs to rig the ballot.

In honor of the Zimbabwean leadership’s tenacious dedication to political inertia, here are…

Ten Reasons For Replacing Democracy With A President For Life:

1. Kenya’s 2007 election.
2. According to the latest government polls, nine out of ten voters are uneducated dumbasses.
3. Sometimes His Majesty needs a decade or three to hit his stride.
4. You’ll always know who to thank and who to blame—for everything.
5. All that money normally spent on campaigns would be freed up to buy yachts for the homeless and European villas for AIDS patients.
6. Maybe one day he’ll get that philosophy degree.
7. It’s been working for Christians for over two thousand years.
8. You might be the beneficiary of one of his surprise visits to the ‘common people,’ and get a free helicopter ride.
9. You might also become one of the fifteen presidential buddies who gets to keep half the money they launder.
10. Hey, this is Africa.

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Posted on Thursday, March 27th, 2008 at 10:23 am. Follow comments through the RSS 2.0 feed. Comment, or trackback .