I do, to some extent, believe in the “Mars and Venus” generalizations, that most often, men approach problems from a certain viewpoint, and woman from another.. both of which are, really, counter-productive.

Men want to fix, now, before they understand what it is that’s broken. Women don’t want to fix, so much, as to be understood and to communicate.. at it’s core, both want pain or sadness to be removed, but, at it’s core, both approaches fail miserably. Men make assumptions about how to fix, without asking the right questions.. and their clumsy attempts, which mostly fail, actually make things worse. Women, on the other hand, seek to “communicate” endlessly, and often without point, never giving themselves permission or guidance to search for the “point” of the problem, or worse yet, engage in “discussions” which at their core, have no interest in resolving the problem, but are veiled counter-attacks and emotional games bent on simply creating “payback”.

In learning something about collaborative negotiation, I’ve learned that we need to incorporate parts of both approaches. Couples need to communicate adequately to discover the source of their difficulty. If approached from a somewhat utilitarian point of view, i.e.) “let’s discover why we’re upset”.. that satisfies the man’s need to “fix”, and also satisfies the woman’s need to be understood. From that point, both sides seeing forward movement, problems are much easier to now find solutions for.

Oh.. and as for the “real man” caricature.. seems to me for a guy to fix his engine, he’s not going to just open the hood and start taking it apart.. he’s probably going to spend a little bit of time carefully examining it to form a better idea of what’s wrong first. At least that’s what a “real man” does.

After leaving a recent serious relationship with a man who wasn’t much about this ‘acting like a man’ concept, I re-discovered a profound appreciation and respect for the men in my life who were true men (superficially defined by me as centered, solid, respectful, sexual, assertive, commanding).

Ironically, my ex-fiance would insist on regular couples therapy session just as ‘maintenance’ in our relationship. I hated couples therapy and strongly believe that the endless talking and rehashing only served to hasten the inevitable break-down of the relationship. A blessing in disguise, really.

Since the end of that relationship, I’ve been really focused on curbing my natural feminine instinct to discuss the status of relationships I’m in. It’s been absolutely liberating and has created many wonderful, dynamic connections with many wonderful, dynamic men.

There really is something to the idea of paying a more silent reverence to something as sacred as love. I’m finally seeing how you can learn more about how a man feels about you from observing his actions than from pressing him into words.

I really enjoy your perspective. I’ve long been hoping to hear a male voice like yours. Keep it coming…

A transcript for those who can’t watch the video:

“If you have it, you don’t need it.

If you need it, you don’t have it.

If you have it, you need more of it.

If you have more of it, you don’t need less of it.

You need it, to get it.

And you certainly need it to get more of it.

But if you don’t already have any of it to begin with, you can’t get any of it to get started, which means you really have no idea how to get it in the first place. Do you?

You can share it,sure.

You can even stockpile it if you’d like.

But you can’t fake it.

Wanting it….

Needing it…

Wishing for it…

The point is, if you’ve had never had any of it….

Ever….

People just seem to know.”

I don’t know if it adds to the conversation any, but it certainly seemed related.