ONE
As the ideal socialnet, I would not add features that frustrate my users and that point out how I am kissing the ass of Viacoms by pretending to care about copyright. In other words, I wouldn’t be like YouTube today and add a new “feature” that allows me to annotate only my own videos. Its stupidity is compounded by the fact that all a user has to do is download a video off YouTube here, and then upload it as my own video on YouTube and annotate away. As a brilliant socialnet I would respect my customers enough to realize that my service is built on interactivity, not creating busywork for them.

TWO
I’d employ the old phony security lingo while I rushed towards more important things like data portability as an excellent way for allowing hackers to create increased traffic to the site at no cost to me. MySpace did a great job of this today by integrating with Yahoo, making it simple to view private MySpace pages. So all my users get free pictures of Paris Hilton touching her nasties in a tanning bed. Genius!

THREE
I would use any and all startup funds to lure all Facebook and MySpace users to Johnny Depp’s vacation home: Fuck Off Island. I would use the fact that Lindsay Lohan is visiting Depp there to hypnotize them with the ultimate quiz for boys and girls: Locate Firecrotch on the Kinsey Scale by watching her interact with thousands of socialnet sheep. Once hypnotized I would have them all fight to the death for Lalohan while she flashed her cooch inciting massive hysteria and murder and suicide. Poor Johnny and Vanessa Paradis would lose their privacy for a little while. But I can’t really feel too bad for them—they can go pillage the post-colonial world for more remote and cheap land.

FOUR
As a moral and ethical socialnet I would not allow anyone, especially history-making politicians (I’m talking to you Obama!), to break the cardinal rule of Web 2.0: No Social Networking By Proxy.

FIVE
Just because I’m not making any money right now and maybe never will, I would always remain secure in the knowledge that it’s all the monetized eyeballs that I have ogling me millions times a day that make me more important than God and almost as great as Rupert Murdoch and Google—so I would ceaselessly demand hundreds of millions of dollars to ride my rocket ship to IPO.

Tags: social network sites

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Posted on Wednesday, June 4th, 2008 at 3:52 pm. Follow comments through the RSS 2.0 feed. Comment or trackback.