PARIS—I was finally going to write about pétanque this week. Really, I was.

But then the big cheeses at the Union of European Football Association checked their 2008 Far Side desk calendars, and noticed that June 7 was not simply the day that featured a comic of two safari hats on top of a pit of quicksand, with a nearby parrot squawking, “Let go Morty, you’re pulling me in! Let go Morty, you’re pulling me in!â€?

No, those boys discovered that June 7 was also the Sportstrotter’s birthday, and so UEFA President Michel “Don’t Call Me Mike” Platini proclaimed to his chargés (en Français, bien sur): “You know what, that Sportstrotter’s not half bad. We should throw him a party. A twenty-three-day, thirty-one-game party featuring sixteen of Europe’s best national teams.â€?

And so it came to pass that tomorrow begins the 2008 European football championship. And it was good. Scratch that: it was very good.

Here’s the plan: for the next three weeks, I’m going to bring you as much of the action as is humanly possible—watching as many of the matches as I can handle, from the comfort of my couch, from the local brasserie, from locations throughout France, and maybe, if we’re lucky, from some of the countries competing in the tourney.

Two more things before we start: happy belated six-month birthday to the Sportstrotter (”what, you think six months is special? You want a medal, or a monument, or a trophy? Call me in 26.5 years when you’ve really achieved something and I’ll throw you a tournament”). And three cheers for the Sportstrotterette, who finally returned from Johannesburg this morning and gave me my first (early) birthday present—a Karim Benzema #9 France jersey. Aller les Bleus!

Five Reasons Why The Euro Is Better Than The World Cup

1. Intensity: Here’s my sell line on the Euro: all of these countries have fought wars against one another. It’s brilliant. The World Cup gives us matchups like South Korea versus Togo, interesting because you’ve never heard about these two countries in the same breath, but ultimately uninspiring for the same exact reason. Many countries in Europe still have beefs constructed upon centuries of historical conflict. This illustrates my point rather deliciously.

2. No duds: The Euro is often called “The World Cup without Brazil and Argentina.â€? Fourteen of the sixteen Euro teams are in the top thirty of the FIFA world rankings, and the other two are the hosts this year, who get to play all of their games at home. There’s perhaps one game in the entire tournament where the result is assumed, Germany versus Austria on June 16 (and maybe Austria-Croatia, too). Austria was included in the draw as hosts, and they’re the only team that’s a longer shot to win (125-1) than the current title holders, Greece, were in 2004 (at 80-1). Even then, with that shoo-in Germany-Austria game being played in rowdy Vienna (he said with a straight face), anything’s possible.

3. The fans travel: unlike the South African delegation trekking to Busan and Daegu and Daejeon for World Cup 2002 in Korea, European fans of all these teams are only a short, cheap Ryanair fare from supporting their boys in person. This makes for great stadium atmosphere, as opposed to a World Cup where far-flung teams from small, developing countries often play in road-game atmospheres, their fans getting overwhelmed by, say, the British. No need to worry about that here, and not just because the Brits in 2008 won’t be within 800 kilometres of Austria and Switzerland. [Rim shot]

4. Freedom: On that last note, in this year’s Euro, you won’t have to put up with any of this. Or this. Or this (”Are we too honest?” Yeah, that’s it.). I mean, I’m as English as it gets (see my surname and pasty skin tone), but England missing the Euro has been a great boon to my stand-up comedy routine over the past year. Belated apologies to Paul, Howard, Charlotte, the guy who hosts my weekly pub quiz in Paris, Winston Churchill’s rotting corpse and any other Brits I’ve taken the piss out of over this. It’s nothing personal. And the good news is that your long national nightmare is nearly over, chaps.

5. Did I mention that all these teams had fought wars against each other? Check out these match-ups: Germany vs Poland, June 8. France vs Italy, June 17 Russia vs Sweden, June 18. Switzerland vs … well, ok, maybe not the Swiss.

How to Run a Euro Office Pool:

People tend to over-complicate the World Cup/Euro pools, predicting every match, every score, giving bonus points for picking exact results and final group rankings. This creates a lot of work for the guy running the 80KB Excel spreadsheet, erodes trust from the participants who are forced to trust the math, and generally leads to confusion and apathy as the tournament progresses. Also, it’s tough to smack-talk your colleagues during the tournament when you don’t know your rankings until the last match ends.

Here’s how you run a Euro pool: Everybody picks the eight teams they think will progress to the knockout stage. Then, once the knockout stage is set, everybody picks the winners of these seven games. Fifteen choices, fifteen available points, and the highest total wins. You probably need to throw in a tiebreaker, and that can be as kooky as you want, provided that it produces a definite winner.

I’m still waiting for resident Walrus pool-meister Chris Ellis to round up the staff’s predictions. Where we at with this, Chris?

Now, on to the tournament.

Group A

Switzerland (38-1)

Key player: Alexander Frei is the team’s point-man on offense and their leading goal scorer in internationals, but Lyon defender and most-capped Swiss player Patrick Müller, injured much of the Ligue 1 season, could be a major anchor at the back if he can regain his form.

Breakout potential: Twenty-two-year-old left midfielder Johan Vonlanthen, whose goal at Euro 2004 made him the youngest scorer in tournament history, hasn’t lived up to the promise he displayed in Portugal, but three games in front of the home fans in Basel, where the Swiss play all their group games, could be enough to reignite him.

Fight song: “Alperose,” Brian Abeywickreme

They win if: Swiss fans cheer really, really loud. Maybe those thunder-stick things would work?

Portugal (8-1)

Key player: Cristiano Ronaldo, aka “the Prince� (that’s what I call him, at least), is quite simply the best player in the world right now. He could win this tournament all by himself, especially since defenders aren’t legally allowed to touch him for fear he might fall over and die.

Breakout: Luis Carlos Nani, only two years younger than his Man U teammate Ronaldo, can be a great asset in the midfield, if he can control his temper (a bit of a headbutter, to be honest).

Fight song: “Povo que lavas no rio,” Amalia Rodriguez

They win if: They can avoid drawing Greece in the knockout stage and can avoid playing in the rain, which would tragically cause Ronaldo’s hair gel to run in his eyes, blinding the super-duper-star.

Czech Republic (25-1)

Key player: Even though he wears that silly scrum cap (c’mon, the guy’s skull was busted! Give him a break), Chelsea goalie Petr Cech is a one-man goal-stopping machine, mostly because that’s the position he plays and because the rules of the game allow only one goalie. But trust me, he’s good.

Breakout: Martin Fenin, at 21, is the rising star of Czech football, having led the U-20 team to the World Cup final last summer in Toronto. He’ll be a star someday. Whether he sees much of the field behind vets Milan Baros and Jon Koller is the more interesting question.

Fight song: “Skoda Lasky,” traditional

They win if: Cech stops all the balls, and one of the most complete teams in the tournament gives him enough support.

Turkey (85-1)

Key player: Turkish legend Hakan Sükür led the team to the 2002 World Cup semis, and in this tournament is poised to—wait, Sükür was cut from the roster? Um … well … [stalling for time] … I guess goaltender’s a pretty important position, right? Watch out for that Turkish goalie.

Breakout: Galatasaray winger Arda Turan, a ripe twenty-one years of age, is a hot name in FA Premier League transfer circles, and could make himself, or his club owner at least, a lot of money this month.

Fight song: “Simarik,” Tarkan

They win if: Sükür fights his way onto the field and shows the manager what he was missing by single-handedly winning the tournament.

Group B

Germany (5-1)

Key player: The bookies’ front-running horse will go only as far as Chelsea playmaker Michael Ballack takes them.

Breakout: How about Stuttgart forward Mario Gomez, a big boy at age twenty-two and a good complement to stalwart point man Miroslav Klose? He could bull-rush the ball over the goal line if he wanted to.

Fight song: “Secret Agent Man,” David Hasselhoff

They win if: the legions of punters are on the money, and dinosaurial goalie Jens Lehmann doesn’t blow the whole thing.

Austria (170-1)

Key player: Simply put, the Austrians don’t look very strong. Former Arsenal keeper Alex Manninger will have to be special—like Special K cereal, circa 1998 special. He will essentially have to trick the opposing teams into taking ketamine before the games.

Breakout: I actually saw the Austrian U-20 team beat the USA in Toronto in last summer’s World Cup. I was there, in the rain, watching the promising twenty-one-year-old Erwin “Jimmy” Hoffer, who had shaved his nickname, “Hoffa,â€? into the side of his head. With a little imagination, Hoffa could sport the breakout hairdo of this tournament.

Fight song: “16 going on 17,” Liesl and Rolfe

They win if: They just do their best. Oh, and all the other teams take drugs – barbiturates, not uppers. That’s all you can hope for, Austrians. Hey, it’s happened before, right? Right?

Croatia (16-1)

Key player: Let’s give it up for the inspiring coach, Slaven Bilic, who not only leads this underdog team that some see going quite far, but also plays guitar! What a guy!

Breakout: Twenty-one-year-old Mladen Petric scored seven goals in the qualifying round. Sure, six of those were against Andorra, but the seventh contributed to England’s elimination, so there’s that to like.

Fight song: “Vatreno Ludilo,” Slaven Bilic & Rawbau. Yes, that’s the national team coach on lead guitar.

They win if: They can overcome the pressure of being the consensus dark horse. Whenever everyone expects you to be better than people think you are, that’s a recipe for trouble. Just ask the 2007 San Francisco 49ers.

Poland (80-1)

Key player: Celtic goalie Artur Boruc is pretty good, if you’re impressed by guys who can stop a ball with a flying leap. Yeah, he’s pretty good.

Breakout: The Polish delegation reportedly fast-tracked the naturalization of Brazilian-born winger Roger Guerreiro to get him on the team. He could bring a bit of samba flair to this team, known more for the [note to fact checker: please research whether they have any famous dances in Poland].

Fight song: Polonaise in A flat Major, Op. 53, Frédéric Chopin (this is one my all-time favourite pieces of music. Go Polska!)

They win if: There’s a secret clause that only 80-1 underdogs are allowed to win the Euro from now on (see Greece, 2004). Also, I own three red t-shirts emblazoned with “Polska,” so those could be good luck. If you hit the knockout stage and I’m too lazy to do laundry, though, you guys are on your own.

Group C

France (9-1)

Key player: Patrick Vieira is questionable with a leg injury, and Thierry Henry struggled a bit in his first season at Barcelona. So Franck Ribéry could emerge in the next month as the new star of French football, if his player-of-the-year performance in the Bundesliga this year is any indication.

Breakout star: Like the Croatians, Karim Benzema has already been anointed the surprise star of the tournament, which sort of ruins the whole surprise thing. St-Etienne forward and Didier Drogba–esque Bafétimbi Gomis, a surprise edition to the team and the author of two brilliant goals in his France debut in last week’s tune-up against Ecuador, could be the real breakout if he can find a way to steal playing time from Benzema, Henry and Nicolas Anelka.

Fight song: La Marseillaise

They win if: It would be sacrilege to suggest that France would be better off without Vieira and Henry in the line-up, although I think it’s the truth, so let’s roll like this: France wins if I cheer really, really, really, really loud. That’s how it works, right? Preemptive apologies to anyone sitting in front of me at a bar in Paris this month. I’m a yeller.

Italy (8-1)

Key player: It was going to be World Cup trophy-hoister Fabio Canavarro, until he busted some ligaments in training last week. Now it could be the Pope, if he can miraculously heal said ligaments. Oh, wait, the Pope’s not actually Italian, is he? That always trips me up.

Breakout: Considering Italy is the oldest team in the tournament, I’m going to spotlight a bit of a late bloomer, 31-year-old Luca Toni, the tall Bayern Munich forward who’s really made a huge leap in the last two years to become one of the world’s most feared pure strikers.

Fight song: “Po po po po po po po,” The White Stripes (Eurotrash techno remix)

They win if: Zinedine Zidane comes out of retirement for headbutt-related reasons.

The Netherlands (15-1)

Key player: So many players to like on this team, including goaltender Edwin Van der Sar, brilliant midfielder Arjen Robben and a glut of forwards with great names like Kuyt, van Nistelrooy and the irrepressible Vennegoor of Hesselink (yeah, that’s his real surname).

Breakout: You’ll notice there weren’t any defenders in that last list. Twenty-four-year-old centre back John Heitinga will have to shine beyond his years for the Dutch to escape this deadly group.

Fight song: “Boom Boom Boom Boom,” Vengaboys

They win if: Hey, if they can emerge from Group C ahead of three other quality sides, it will probably mean that they’ve resolved their defensive liabilities, at which point the sky’s the limit.

Romania (55-1)

Key player: Captain Cristian Chivu is one hell of a player, as anyone who’s watched him control the defensive midfield for Inter Milan can attest.

Breakout: On a well-balanced and experienced side, Twenty-two-year-old striker Ciprian Marica could be the key to the Romanians emerging from this tough group.

Fight song: “Dragostea Din Tei,” O-Zone (ok, they’re Moldovan, but the lyrics are in Romanian. And I couldn’t resist.)

They win if: The opposition looks past this talented, well coached team that is my dark horse in this tournament that loves to produce out-of-nowhere winners (see Greece 2004, Denmark 1992). Shhhhhhhhhh …

Group D

Spain (7-1)

Key player: Is Spain really the bookmakers’ second choice behind Germany? A relatively young Iker Casillas, the twenty-seven-year-old Real Madrid keeper, could be very key to helping offensively gifted Spain shed its label of big-stage choke artists.

Breakout: In the absence of seventeen-year-old Barcelona phenom Bojan Krkic, who was left off the squad, we’ll go with Cesc Fabregas, who is almost too good and too high profile at Arsenal to be considered a breakout, despite the fact the midfielder is only twenty-one.

Fight song: “Spanish Bombs,” The Clash

They win if: The tournament decides to award the championship trophy based on “most passes completed.� Otherwise, expect the traditional quarter-final flame out, right on schedule.

Greece (45-1)

Key player: Giergios Karagounis is the boss in the midfield. Much of the Greek action passes through him, and he will have to replicate his performance of four years ago for the holders to match their unprecedented 2004 success.

Breakout: Striker Georgios Samaras, twenty-three and plying his club ball at Celtic, could provide a spark off the bench if the Greeks need goals to advance, which they didn’t really four years ago in Portugal. But you never know when you’re going to need some goals in this crazy game of football.

Fight song: “To Vouno,” Loukas Daralas

They win if: Lighting strikes twice. Hey, ask Roy Sullivan, it could happen.

Russia (28-1)

Key player: It could be Alexei Berezoutski. It could be Vasili Berezoutski. Oh my god, they’re twins! I can’t tell them apart! How am I going to decide who my key player is going to be if these numbskulls won’t … dammit, they wear the same uniform, too! This is hopeless.

Breakout: Keeper Igor Akinfeev is twenty-two and really, really good. Not that I’ve ever seen him play, but I hear he’s really good. I hope that that drunk Russian in the métro wasn’t lying, or else I (and Mr. Akinfeev) are going to look quite the fools.

Fight song: The Soviet National Anthem. Forget modern politics, this is one of the all-time great anthems. Plus, Andrei Shevchenko would be a nice luxury at forward.

They win if: They face a now-aged Sylvester Stallone in the finals. All the HGH in the world won’t help Sly single-handedly defeat eleven Russians. He should really stick to taking on the entire Burmese army solo.

Sweden (55-1)

Key player: Make way, Henrik Larssona and Marcus Allbäck. You guys are officially aged beasts. Inter striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic is here to show you how to score goals. And he’s not even blonde. Creepy.

Breakout: Sweden fields a very experienced squad, so we’ll go with twenty-two-year-old winger Sebastian Larsson, a newcomer to the national squad expected to start on the right wing for Lars Lagerbäck’s side.

Fight song: “The Winner Takes It All,” ABBA

They win if: They regain the form that saw them reach the semifinals of USA ’94. I mean, what’s the real difference between Salzburg and Los Angeles? Couldn’t they just pretend?

Congratulations to the seven of you who’ve read this far. Your reward: my predictions. Sorry, I wish I had something better to offer. Just remember, these are not to be used to inform monetary wagering of any kind. Trust me.

Quarterfinals

Germany (B2) over Czech Republic (A1)

Croatia (B1) over Portugal (A2)

France (C1) over Russia (D2)

Romania (C2) over Spain (D1)

Semifinals

Croatia over Germany

France over Romania

Awards

Biggest Surprise: Romania (shhhhhhh…)

Biggest Disappointment: Greece or Italy

Golden Boot: Adrian Mutu, Romania

Player of the Tournament: Franck Ribéry, France

Champion

France. Mais pourquoi pas?

(Damn, all that and I’m still 3600 words shy of Bill Simmons’s NBA Finals preview. Mercy, Bill. Mercy)

Tags: Euro 2008

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Posted on Friday, June 6th, 2008 at 7:02 am. Follow comments through the RSS 2.0 feed. Comment or trackback.