CHAMBOURCY, FRANCE—The Germans sunk Portuguese hopes of Euro glory last night in Basel with a 3-2 victory high on fireworks and drama. Or so I hear.

I didn’t actually watch the match, which by all accounts was a classic, and another triumph for attacking soccer in this gloriously offensive edition of the Euro. I was out in “rural Paris,” in a suburb a half hour from the city, playing the witty, charming writer boyfriend at Mlle. Trotter’s summer office party. Hey, it’s what I do.

Luckily for me, my friend Lizou was watching from Barcelona, and he was only too glad to keep me apprised of the goings on in Basel by SMS. Here’s what transpired:

(Lizou in plain text, Sportstrotter in italics)

* * *

20h16: Who are you predicting to win tonight? Let me know so I can go bet the opposite.

20h20: Ha ha ha. Dick. My money’s on Porto.

20h28: Do we use the Eurovision test to decide who the home team is? The Swiss gave first place this year to Serbia and second to Portugal. Or, do we go with geography?

20h37: Whoever sings louder is home in my books. Game is in Austria? It’ll be tight.

20h40: Actually, we’re in Basel, home of Roger Federer and now Ana Ivanovic (who clearly voted in Eurovision). I’m inaugurating the festivities with a Puerto Rican danger beer.

20h42: What is a danger beer? Also what do they drink in Porto? Beer wise, I mean. I can’t name a single Portuguese beer.

20h44: Deutschland singing their über alles -– shouldn’t the Internationale be the anthem of every country (or, La Marseillaise)? And we’re off.

2 min: German coach Joachim Low has been forced to sit in the stands and wear a dunce cap for this match. He was a bad boy versus Austria.

6 min: Apparently the Portuguese drink Super Bock. No sign of Cristiano Ronaldo crying or visiting any prostitutes — yet.

10 min: In high school, we had a German exchange student who held his head every time he went down. Metzelder does the same, trying to invent a penalty. It’s all Germany early.

11 min: Porto in red and Germany in white tonight? When Porto wore white and the Czechs wore red, it really ducked me up.

14 min: Klinsmann changed Germany’s second jersey from black to red, because red teams are perceived as more aggressive — when they’re not slathered in hair gel.

22 min: GERMANY SCORES. It’s time for a Bolivian thunder whiskey. Terrific cross from Podolski, goal by Schweinsteinsteiger. Hollywood should cast that guy as a villain.

21 min: Agree completely with last point. Slick, menacing. Plus the bleach job.

26 min: GERMANY SCORES. Perfect free kick taken by Schweinsteiger from outside the box, headed in by Klose. My Germany wins + Ronaldo cries parlay wager is looking very good

31 min: Nifty heel flick by Ronaldo. One of the fans’ songs has these words in Spanish: “Alcohol x5. We have come to get drunk and we don’t care about the rest.”

35 min: I am sitting next to the big cheese of Sarah’s whole office. A very stylish Dane. He is matching me by checking the score every few minutes on his Blackberry. I’ll have to be on top of my game here.

40 min: PORTUGAL SCORES. Nuno Gomes rebound off a Ronaldo shot set up by Deco. Cue Samba de Janeiro, which is really captures the essence of Switzerland.

42 min: A veritable goal fest! And I’m missing it. This dinner better be something special. We’re eating African food and drinking South African wine. In France. Where have I read this script before? Oh, right.

45 min: The half ends with a shot of Joachim Low picking his nose. Is the catering that bad? If the goal fest keeps up you’re banned from watching all future matches.

47 min: Elegant foul by Lahm, whom from the ground uses his hand to pull down Simao. Yellow card. The game is getting friskier. Soon they will be slapping each other

54 min: Food = good. Sarah looks at my lap everytime my pocket buzzes. She wants to know the score too, but I’m worried boss man thinks something dirtier is going on. More updates!

61 min: GERMANY SCORES: Ballack header offs another Schweinsteiger free kick. The goal is dedicated to Amilcar Cabral.

62 min: The replay clearly shows Ballack pushing away his defender before scoring.

64 min: Portugal has never had an astronaut, but Nani’s errant corner indicates the country is yearning for some spaceflight.

69 min: The Portuguese attack is breaking down as they start to get a bit desperate. Ronaldo flashily steps over the ball. That’s why they pay him the big money.

71 min: [Chomp, chomp, chomp.]

72 min: Also, I think I started a rumour among the men at the table that Portugal had tied the game 2-2. So confused. There should be a law against eating and texting.

76 min: Podolski just missed the net with a real scorcher from outside the box. The Portuguese defenders, who were meant to block instead, put on false moustaches and fled in terror.

83 min: Postiga fouls Lehman, who clutches his head and then takes his sweet time, getting his legs treated by the trainers.

88 min: PORTUGAL SCORES. Postiga, as karma’s avatar, punishes Lehman by heading the ball in. Portugal resumes the attack.

90 min: Four minutes of extra time announced. Can Portugal steal a page from Turkey and get back in the match?

91 min: Take us home, boss!

92 min: Two minutes. Very exciting.

94 min: GERMANY WINS. Ronaldo gives Deco a taste of his shoulder as he walks past him. On the bright side, nothing is now stopping him from going on vacation with Kobe.

Post-match: Five goals exhausts UEFA’s quota for the quarters. Now Germany gets to play for the privilege of losing to the invincible Armada in the finals.

* * *

Well played, Lizou. You did Spain proud. And as a reward, I’ll be supporting the Roja on Sunday versus Italy. But then, you already knew that!

Yesterday’s recap

Result: Germany 3-2 Portugal

Top player: Michael Ballack decided that the whole “this is Ronaldo’s tournament to shine” storyline wasn’t to his liking, so The Prince’s Premier League rival from Chelsea went out and did something about it.

Best goal: If someone wants to donate a couple bucks to my PayPal account so I can visit the UEFA website and watch the goals, I’ll decide which one was the best of the evening. Until then, you’re on your own. Why is it that I can watch every episode of South Park ever made, streaming free on the Internet, but I have to pay money to watch Schweinsteiger kick a ball into the net? Duck you, UEFA (as my SMS auto-type program would say).

In-game beverages consumed: Roederer champagne to start the night; Two Oceans (South Africa) Rosé and Pinotage with dinner; a glass of red before driving back to Paris. I didn’t see the bottle but, judging by the taste, it was far more expensive than what I’m usually drinking at that point in the night.

Friday preview

Croatia and Turkey meet in Vienna. Both looked uneven, but promising in the group stage. As hard as Parisians are trying to pretend that the Euro tournament is no longer happening now that the French are eliminated, I still have at least one conversation a day on the mindblowingness of Turkey’s win versus the Czechs last Sunday. Here’s hoping these two teams can provide that much excitement tonight. With a large Turkish population in Austria and Croatia practically next door, the fans will be out in droves in Vienna. Ça va être chaud, as they say around here.

Prediction: Croatia 2-2 Turkey, Croatia advance on penalties

Tags: Euro 2008

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Posted on Friday, June 20th, 2008 at 9:17 am. Follow comments through the RSS 2.0 feed. Comment or trackback.