After frenzied outcries from Canadians all week because of Rogers’ iPhone plan which prevents us from participating in a communication revolution by not offering unlimited data at any price—Rogers has caved.
Wistful rumours that Apple was diverting iPhone inventory to Europe as a punishment for Rogers pricing plan have been debunked this morning. But don’t think that Rogers Canada has caved simply out of fear of consumer revolt. As fellow Walrus blogger Jeremy Keehn has alluded, infuriating customers is nothing new for Rogers.
No. Not at all. It is all part of Rogers’ master plan.
In 1940 just weeks before Rogers’ CEO turned fourteen years old the Creeper—a demon who feeds on human organs for twenty-three days every twenty-third year—appeared to him. The Creeper let him know that the insecure teen could be guaranteed the kind of success as his father had—Rogers senior invented the world’s first alternating (AC) current radio tube—if he helped care for the Creeper. All he would have to do is ensure that every twenty-third spring the Creeper would have copious amounts of human organs to feast upon and yet not get hunted down and killed.
The boy, eager to escape his late father’s shadow, agreed. He built the Creeper a magnificent mansion in the north end of Toronto and took care of his needs every twenty-three years.
Next year is 2009. And it will have been twenty-three years since the Creeper last fed. (It’s perhaps no coincidence that construction of the Rogers Centre, née Skydome, started in April 1986—construction accidents are an excellent way to feed The Creeper).
The new unlimited data plan is alarming at first, but upon reconsideration I think I am going to go for it. After all, what’s an Apple fangirl to do?
UNLIMITED CONSUMER DATA PLAN: Available for $100/month plus a monthly lump payment of one human organ.* Three-year contract required.
*Organ harvesting expenses are not the responsibility of Rogers. Rogers Canada is not liable for health problems, death or any other difficulties, physical or mental that consumers suffer as part of their payment plan.
I know, kinda extreme at first, right? But then I realized why I have been taking such good care of my health, never drinking, running daily and eating whole grains and no red meats. I can handle this. I will start with a kidney, obviously. And then, because it isn’t clear in the announcement, find out if partial liver donations will count. That fabulous organ grows back, after all. I have an extra eye and lung. So, if I don’t die in the surgeries, I might get a few months of real iPhone use before I have to pay the $1100 fee for breaking the contract.
God it’s great to be a Canadian because something like this would only work here. Any of us interested in joining a cultural communication revolution will get all the free health care we need when our organ-depleted bodies fail in the decades to come.
I’ll see you 8:30 a.m. on July 11, at Rogers on Bloor Street—with my kidney in my hand!
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