CAGLIARI, SARDINIA—This honeymoon is lasting forever. Can I get back to watching sports soon, please?
I promised I wouldn’t write any dispatches these last four weeks, while I was off in B.C. getting married and then traipsing across Italy with my new wife, Mlle. Trotter.
But then, the NFL season kicked off Sunday, so I was just going to jot down my predicted order of finish in each division, partly because I haven’t done a lick of research or paid any attention to the off-season moves (Brett Favre is still retired, right?); and partly because this is still my honeymoon, at least until I arrive home in Paris and can finally use the interweb again. It takes brevity to make a marriage last, after all.
But then the Mlle., who adores football (a big reason I married her) and who still hasn’t decided whether she’s changing her name to Mme. Trotter in this space (unlikely—she thinks “Madame” makes her sound old, and she didn’t change her actual name either, much to my grandmother’s passive-aggressive consternation), played the “half card.” As in, “half of what’s yours is now mine, including the digital soapbox The Walrus so foolishly provides you.”
So I’ll do my “what I did on my summer vacation” report once everything is unpacked, but for the time being, here are my predicted orders of finish for the 2008 NFL season, and Mlle. Trotter’s team-by-team analysis. Think of her as the Tony Kornheiser of this column’s Monday Night Football booth: all irrelevant commentary and virtually no substance (too bad she doesn’t have a fantasy team to talk about).
I’ve restricted her to one sentence per team, unless she wanted more space, in which case I caved immediately. Marriage, huh? Awesome.
AFC
EAST
New England Patriots 13-3
Mlle. Trotter: “Blah blah blah Tom Brady. I got so bored of this team last year.” [Updated Monday night comment: "Blah blah blah Matt Cassel. Wait, who?"]
Buffalo/Toronto Bills 11-5 (Wild Card)
“My friend Colin wore a Bills poncho to the game we attended together last year—he claims to have bought it at a bazaar in Cairo, Egypt. With a new starting quarterback and a bit of Middle East poncho power, plus some disillusioned Toronto Argos fans, this could be a turnaround year for the Bills.”
New Jersey Jets 7-9
“I respect Brett Favre’s grim determination and even grimmer playoff beards. Sadly, the latter will probably not be making an appearance for the Jets this year.”
Miami Dolphins 4-12
“One of my happiest NFL moments last year was when the Dolphins won a late-season game in overtime to go 1-15. To think that they might get to celebrate like that four times this year is exciting.”
SOUTH
Tennessee Titans 12-4
“I think Andrew has a man-crush on Vince Young, leading him to overestimate the calibre of this team’s play.”
Indianapolis Colts 11-5 (WC)
“Life is hard for Peyton Manning: he was always second-best to Tom Brady, and now he’s been outshone by his sullen little brother. I know how much Andrew hates it when his little brother beats him at something …”
Jacksonville Jaguars 10-6
“Did you know that there aren’t any actual jaguars living in the United States? Or Canada, for that matter.”
Houston Texans 6-10
“I’ve worked in Houston, and everybody drives there. Maybe if the Texans got to play football behind the wheel of a car, they’d be better?”
NORTH
Pittsburgh Steelers 11-5
“The Steelers are my favourite team. I think Ben will have a huge year since he’s not recovering from any major surgeries or motorcycle accidents this season.”
Cleveland Browns 9-7
“Whenever Andrew and I discuss the Browns, we say the name really slowly and pretend we’re squatting down to fake-poop. I admit it sounds gross when I write it down, but who names their team the Browns?”
Baltimore Ravens 6-10
“I still haven’t seen Season 5 of The Wire. But I do know how this season of Ravens football ends: badly.”
Cincinnati Bengals 3-13
“They’re pretty terrible, right?”
WEST
Denver Broncos 10-6
“I’ve spent a lot of time working in Denver, and I get the impression that while the local citizens are really passionate about their team, they secretly wish that the team was just a little bit better.”
San Diego Chargers 10-6
“The Chargers are that team that always loses in the playoffs, right?”
Oakland Raiders 7-9
“My friend Odom loves the Raiders. I cheer for them too ’cause I know how sad he gets when they suck, which is most years.”
Kansas City Chiefs 5-11
“See my comment for the Cincinnati Bengals.”
NFC
EAST
Philadelphia Eagles 12-4
“The Eagles have a fat, angry coach that visibly spends all game screaming so hard at his players that it’s amazing he avoids heart failure. I figure no matter how well his team plays, the players must go home feeling really bad about themselves, and that is just too sad.”
Dallas Cowboys 11-5 (WC)
“Being closely associated with Jessica Simpson always comes back to bite you in the ass. Trust me.”
New Jersey Giants 10-6 (WC)
“I think that Oreo commercial with the Manning brothers and the Williams sisters is actually pretty funny. Eli’s a bit of a dork, though, isn’t he?”
Washington Redskins 6-10
“Antwaan Randle-El is my favourite NFL player. Even though he doesn’t play for the Steelers anymore, I still cheer for him. He’s so crafty.”
SOUTH
New Orleans Saints 13-3
“I have had a huge crush on Reggie Bush ever since the 2006 Rose Bowl. That was the best football game I’ve ever seen.”
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 8-8
“Our good friends Mike and Amy always come to our Super Bowl parties dressed in head-to-toe Bucs gear. Even though Mike now lives in Dubai, and our Super Bowl party will be in Paris, there’s a better chance of Mike repeating his annual performance than the Bucs actually making it to the playoffs.”
Carolina Panthers 5-11
“See my comment on the Vikings.”
Atlanta Falcons 3-13
“I wonder if Michael Vick gets treated better or worse in prison because he was an NFL star?”
NORTH
Minnesota Vikings 8-8
“Sometimes I find it really hard to keep up with thirty-two teams.”
Green Bay Packers 7-9
“I feel for Aaron Rodgers.”
Detroit Lions 5-11
“Years ago my aunt made my uncle Rob, who’s a Lions fan, build a separate shed where he had to watch their games, because his negativity was disrupting the household every Sunday.”
Chicago Bears 4-12
“Message to Andrew’s friend Matty in Chicago: I tried to stop him from doing this to the Bears. Really, I did.”
WEST
Arizona Cardinals 9-7
“I don’t care what the ‘real’ sports writers think, Matt Leinert is still pretty cute.”
San Francisco 49ers 8-8
“You know your team is bad when you take your boyfriend to a bar in downtown San Francisco to watch them, and they’re showing the Raiders game instead. True story.”
Seattle Seahawks 8-8
“Another fat, yelling coach. I’m so glad the Steelers beat this guy in Super Bowl XL.”
St Louis Rams 4-12
“Am I done yet? I’m getting pretty bored. I thought writing would be more fun.”
Playoffs
Divisional round
New England over Indianapolis, PIttsburgh over Tennessee
New Orleans over Arizona, Philadelphia over Dallas
Conference Championships
Pittsburgh over New England, New Orleans over Philadelphia
Super Bowl
New Orleans over Pittsburgh
Mlle. Trotter: “If your Super Bowl prediction ends up coming true, we’re sooo getting divorced. Luckily, your predictions never come true! That’s why I married you, I guess.”
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