This weekend marked the Korean holiday of Chuseok, the rough equivalent of North American Thanksgiving, and although I hate to engage in a bout of schadenfreude during the festive season, I can’t possibly let the story that surfaced while I was in Canada for a couple weeks go unremarked.

I refer, of course, to reports that North Korean Dear Leader Kim Jong-il is sick, or, even more serious, dead—and has been so for as long as five years. The unsubstantiated rumours, sparked by Kim’s absence at celebrations marking the sixtieth anniversary of the founding of the DPRK, say Kim may have suffered a stroke, and one report by a Japanese scholar claims the DL died way back in 2003 from diabetes and that a core team of military officials has been ruling ever since, using Kim dummies for public appearances.

Finding out anything concrete about North Korea is tough going, so I suspect the speculation will remain just that; one need only look at the ambiguity surrounding Fidel Castro’s health in the far-less-impenetrable Cuba to realize how cagey these dictatorial folks can be about their well-being. In the meantime, however, there are legitimate concerns about who might take over the DPRK should Kim prove to be either almost or thoroughly dead. To help readers sort out the problem, I’ve drawn up a list of possible candidates, which includes both obvious choices and a few dark horses —because you never know what kind of bizarre shit can happen in the politics of a nation gone utterly haywire.

1. KIM JONG-NAM

Who is he? Kim Jong-nam, aka the “Small General” is Kim Jong-il’s thirty-eight-year-old, possibly illegitimate oldest son. He is best known among the Western media for trying to enter into Japan in 2001 on a forged Dominican Republic passport, ostensibly to visit Disneyland. He’s reported to enjoy the same lavish lifestyle as his father, favouring gambling, Rolex watches and Louis Vuitton bags. He’s studied in Geneva and Russia, and is a computer enthusiast who is believed to be responsible for IT policy in the DPRK.

+ Considerable girth and pasty look will give Western journalists something to make fun of. Gambling problem makes him an ideal target for James Bond.

- Having the same name, being from the same family, and exhibiting the same egomania as his father, his appointment could go unnoticed by many, who will believe he is just Kim Jong-il after a few too many smuggled Twinkies, or “just another crazy-ass Korean despot.” Could well eat the larger part of the North Korean populace.

2. KIM JONG-CHUL

Who is he? (Possibly) twenty-six-year-old Kim Jong-chul is the Dear Leader’s son with his female companion, Ko Young-hee, said to be a former singer and dancer and the older Kim’s closet female confidante. Kim is a basketball enthusiast who studied in Switzerland. Assumptions of his succession are based largely on a 2003 campaign waged in the DPRK to create a cult around his mom, who was named the Esteemed/Respected Mother and Most Faithful and Loyal Subject to the Dear Leader Comrade Supreme Commander; a similarly verbose and hysterical campaign is said to have preceded Kim Jong-il’s rise to power.

+ Youth could make him open to new ideas and possible change in the DPRK. Possibly a wuss, as suggested by an assertion in the book I Was Kim Jong Il’s Cook, penned by former sushi chef to the DL, Kenji Fujimoto, that KJI said Kim Jong-chol was “no good” because he “looked like a little girl.”

- Is said to be a fan of Eric Clapton, opening up the possibility that Clapton will be tapped as an ambassador, making everyone in the DPRK believe all Westerners are milquetoast noodlers easily hypnotized by crap like the unplugged version of “Layla.”

3. BI

Who is he? Bi—aka Rain, aka Jeong Ji-hoon—is South Korea’s biggest pop star. In 2006, Time named him one of the “100 Most Influential People Who Shape Our World,” and in a reader’s poll the following year, he was voted into the top spot, above Stephen Colbert, J.K. Rowling and Steve Jobs. In addition to music, he has made forays into acting, notably in Park Chan-wook’s I’m a Cyborg But That’s Okay and the Wachowski Brothers bomb, Speed Racer.

+ Koreans love him, and so does the rest of the world. He bridges the gap between West and East, and could open the DPRK up to global trade, culture, and dance moves. As controller of a nuclear arsenal, could have considerable leverage in suppressing Speed Racer.

- If he accepted, he might just decide to cancel at the last minute. Plus, faces real danger that government office will seriously damage his cool cache. Just ask this guy.

4. KIM CATTRALL

Who is she? The sultry star of Sex in the City. Known worldwide as a sex symbol and proof that it’s possible to be hot after fifty, Cattrall has starred in over thirty films, including such classics of the cinema as Porky’s, Police Academy and Mannequin.

+ Same first name, but not Korean, alleviating confusion. Canadian connection—Cattrall grew up in Canada, and many of her films have been made here—could strengthen ties between Canada and the DPRK, giving us some bargaining strength in case some senile crazy gets into the White House and decides he’s had it with all those Eskimos up north. Could single-handedly alleviate the misery of the entire North Korean populace through mass orgasm. Hot.

- See-through business suit would be very distracting for foreign leaders. Could squander position by wasting time, constantly searching for the right man. Potential for Sex in the City: Pyongyang spin-off highly troubling.

5. OSAMA BIN LADEN

Who is he? Supposed architect of current global jihad, icon of the war on terror, public enemy number one, cave enthusiast and Islamist bogeyman.

+ Assuming power in North Korea could allow Bin Laden to move out of his cave, thereby making him more visible and getting him out of that prickly Middle East region. Already considered the epitome of evil, so US authorities wouldn’t have to produce much propaganda to sway the global community.

- May have trouble integrating kimchi into his dirt-and-cactus diet. Just as sinister but not even half as funny as Kim Jong-il. Giving him nukes probably a terrible idea. Being aliveness also up for debate.

6. SARAH PALIN

Who is she? Gun-toting hockey mom, former beauty queen, winning Republican gimmick, threat to global security, most overexposed person in recent memory, lunatic, antichrist, possible future president of the United States.

+ Installing her in Pyongyang would get her out of North America, away from the eyes of the Western media, who could probably use a break from their huge, throbbing Palin boner. Like Kim Jong-il, boasts hair that is of more interest to journalists than her political profile. Loves weapons.

- Already set to replace a different crazy old guy. Totally batshit insane.

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Posted on Monday, September 15th, 2008 at 10:25 am. Follow comments through the RSS 2.0 feed. Comment or trackback.