If you are in Los Angeles on a Monday, climb to the deepest recesses of The Comedy Store (aka The Belly Room). You will likely be the only one in the audience of The Ding Dong Show but you will laugh until you cry.

Let me explain the show to you:

The host, Simply Don, is trapped in an eternity of rehearsing his cast of social outcasts (drug addicts, alcoholics, the mentally ill, the physically atrocious). His pretend goal is to break them, and the show, into the big time. Broadway. The Academy Awards. The comic gold is feeding lines to people who can never ever get them right. Then to interrupt and insult them for it. And then to try again and repeat the process over and over. Pointlessly and hilariously.

The goal isn’t really a Tony Award but to point out the futility of the process of making nothing into something. In this case, because society will never embrace social deviants — people who are not part of any stylish or cool rebellion but rather just unacceptable and unattractive. The unpredictable and unproductive humans can never become respected and rewarded for their talents no matter how hard they practice.

Web2.0 tech bloggers are not social deviants in the least. Or hilarious like dingdongers. But they do futilely try to make nothing into something every day. Pointlessly. This is their whole deal.

So I, Simply Chantelle, bring you The Ding Dong Web2.0 Show:

Ok tech bloggers! You can DO it! I’m here to coach you along. Here’s your script. Let’s see how well you can follow it.

REPEAT IT AFTER ME:

Web2.0 is simply the future of technology and our economic salvation. Or it is a novelty for us to gossip-blog about pretending to be prescient. These poles of superficial analysis sum up everything we write. Nothing more need be blogged by us unless it falls outside this box.

Go! Ayelet Noff of the Next Web:

Why you should turn to social media during this economic crisis.

Huh? What? NO NO NO!! Bad Next Webber! Have you stuffed your brain full of so much next and web that you are unable to FOLLOW SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS???

Go! SMMGURU:

Top 10 social bookmarking sites complete with stats.

Lists? Really? I’m rocket-vomiting blood right now.

Go! William H. Dutton:

Journalism, the Internet and empirical Research

What part of NO MORE PRETEND PRESCIENCE didn’t you understand, Bill? Journalism and the future of blogging and the changing nature of blah blah blah. You sound like an infant. A feral infant.

Go! Krishna Subramanian of Mashable:

Monetizing mobile applications: turning mobile audiences into revenue.

Of course Mashable couldn’t follow simple instructions. But this is just vicious. The word monetize turns syphilitic inside me. Now I’ll pass my disease onto my children. Doomed corkscrew brains, all of us. Curses to you.

Go! Culprwit:

Social media: tomorrow’s PR leaders?

HAHAHA. RIGHT. That’s something WE HAVEN’T HEARD BEFORE that has an answer you didn’t pull out of your ass. Shut up and try again by following my instructions!!

I’m exhausted. I could literally go on rehearsing these vile bloggers for the rest of my life. You guys win. We’ll all be preoccupied by your superficial analysis while our lifeworlds crumble. UNCLE!

(Special thanks to music savant Ian for introducing me to the show.)

My October 2008 visit to the Ding Dong Show