COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG, VA—Have you ever gone back in time?

This weekend I went back to 1776. I thought if I went back far enough in time I could fix all the things I wish had happened differently. Then, ideally, when I came back to the future I’d become the successful McFly instead of the loser McFly I am now.

When I got to Colonial Williamsburg, though, it wasn’t the past I expected and needed it to be. Instead of revolutionary spirit, the colonialists were merely distracted by their economic realities. Undaunted, I found a private corner of the Public Gaol and scribbled my name, phone number and a warning message for my future self:

Global Depression 2008! Avoid love!

But when I got back to the future nothing changed. I hadn’t warned everyone of the market’s imminent failure and become a heroine. I hadn’t invented Twitter and Google. And worse yet, I had not avoided heartbreak and instead run headlong into it.

So here I am. Loser McFly, pouring my heart out in a beachside Starbucks.

I didn’t invent Twitter. I’m only a twitter user with a paltry couple hundred followers. I can’t keep on top of all of Google Labs let alone stop the company from tanking. Most importantly, I’m responsible for not warning everyone of the global depression. The very least I deserve is a broken heart.

In the interest of global justice, I’m starting a twitter meme against myself. In fact I am inventing a new Twitter Tool: Self-Twarm. It’s better than normal self-harm!  With Twitter I can get all of you fellow tweeters to help inflict the pain instead of having all that responsibility myself. Please add your own attack and retweet ad infinitum. Don’t hold back! Be spiteful  and clever! Remember, a time-traveling loser McFly like myself will never ever learn.