I have the gift. I am not talking psychic Sylvia Browne phoney-baloneyness here. And please don’t compare me with these weak-kneed pundit soothsayers like Micahel Arrington or Ray Kurweil who make predictions that everyone already knows, or worse, nobody cares about. Automatic house-cleaning robots will be common in the near future. Really? I’ve seen the Jetson’s too! Myspace is going to come out with an email competitor to Gmail and Hotmail? Big deal. Did you know you can get an @Ilovejesus.net email right now? Equally boring and uninspired.

There’s no soothsayer like me. I’m a boss psychic. I make predictions that obliterate all doubts and even reason.

Here we go!

Twitter Buys Google
On the autumn solstice 2009 Twitter will buy Google. Facebook tried and failed. Zuckerberg was arrogant enough to try and pay with Facebook stock! Google will soon offer Twitter 250 million dollars but Biz Stone will scoff at the offer because he is a real American (aka rugged individualist) plus he knows that a crowd-sourced algorithmic socialnet beats Google’s one-trick horse and pony show any time. Besides, Biz won’t want to get run into the ground like Youtube did wringing in a loss of $470 in 2009.

Last Newspaper Printed
On Christmas Eve 2009 the New York Times, the last remaining hard-copy newspaper, will print to paper for the last time. The last print headline will read:

NEW YORK TIMES GETS PWNED!

Google, a good friend to newspapers, will finally give in to the perpetual pity-party the newspapers have been throwing. Since printing stuff on paper has absolutely nothing to do with journalism, Google will convert all paper-based operations real estate into server farms and Lego play labs. As a goodwill gesture they do not fire any newspaper executive staff but instead have them retrained at the Massage School of Santa Monica to service other Google employees.

Apple Princess Crowned
On Monday June 8, on the eve of the release of the next generation of Apple Iphone, Apple announces the the new company figurehead in lieu of Steve jobs. Despite warnings from Forbes and other boring entities, I announce that I am pleased and surprised to accept the position. What I don’t say is that I’m doing it only because it guarantees me and all my loved ones get Iphones before the rest of the 6 million heavenly devices are doled out. And because I will finally have an inarguable reason for wearing tiaras to bed. The real job – pulling on that drab black turtleneck and rambling on self-importantly for hours – fills me with capricious dread.