I wish I was a scientist
But I never did well in school
I’d like to talk for hours about
The problems with time travel
-Blackblack
LONDON, ONTARIO—Right now I’m pretending to be a scientist. Sadly, I don’t even have the excuse of never having been good in school. Top of the class, baby. Nonetheless, I plummeted headlong into the humanities. I cowered there, too insecure to rub brains with fellow geniuses. I’ve squandered my intellect: I’m a godforsaken Twitter Historian sitting in a math department posing.
I can hardly keep track of all my fellow fakers. Here is my list of favourite fakers for summer 2009:
Wolfram
A total fraud for hyping itself as the next Google killer following in the idiotic footsteps of Ciul. Which, by the way, is also a sham.
All Newspapers (no hyperlink necessary!)
For being fake internet.
Apple Netbook
Apple took out a hype-inducing patent that made us all think there are going to offer a smaller than air netbook. It’s just a better iphone.
Toronto
For being a fake Toronto. Real Toronto wouldn’t be so Toronto-y. And it would have more historic architecture. And so much more dress up!
Swine Flu Pandemic
Swine flu, unsurprisingly, comes from “close contact with pigs” – that is, spatial proximity between humans and their livestock. The modern city is thus a place to live – but also a functioning medical instrument. In other words, the Swine Flu is a threat only because people are living with their pigs. This is gross. I’m so modern! George Clooney, as a former pig lover, was a terrible role model for the world. The Swine Flu is not a real but a fake pandemic threat because I refuse to believe pig love can withstand modernity. Even Clooney, obviously finally falling to the intinerant modernity machine, hasn’t replaced his recently deceased pig.
Moot
Moot is the street name of the founder of the widly successful website 4chan. He is the nerd king of all fakers right now. He perfectly faked it until he made – or really hacked – it. My hero! He won Time Magazine’s World’s Most Influential Person Poll. Time is pretending everything is copacetic, but it is a horribly embarrassing hack of their much vaunted poll. Moot even got the other top names on the list to spell-out Marblecake, the game!* In sum, he is a grandiose, sexist, hilarious and nefarious faker.
I hope to improve on Moot’s poor form by avoiding humour that exploits the little children whilst simultaneously skirting any arrogant claims of membership in secret societies. Instead, I’ve hunkered down here, in a noble math department. Beneath the serene glow of incomprehensible whiteboard formulas I make a ravishing faker! As I patiently await science rapture.
*To the uninitiated, Marblecake is a Manga or Japanese cartoon character that comes from a particular genre that is often accused of being merely kiddie porn. It has since been adopted by fellow fakers Anonymous (of the Scientology attacks) because it connotes a secret group.
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