PARIS—Handsome footballers, huh? Well, two can play at this game.
When France’s sporting daily, l’Équipe, recently published an online slideshow of the 25 sexiest football players, my first reaction was, “Yes! Awesome! Perfect!” Because what better excuse to outline a project that’s been long-simmering in the Trotter household than to post a rebuttal to all the … now what did they call them again?
Ils sont beaux, ils sont pro, ils sont musclés sous leur maillot…Notre sélection des footballeurs les plus sexy en activité
Oh, yeah. Those handsome devils. (In case your French is a little rusty, I am contractually obliged to inform you that the first part even rhymes. Ugh.)
But why should the Beckhams, the Tottis, the Gorcuffs and the Anelkas of the world get all the attention? (Really? Nicky Anelka? I guess the visually impaired Norwegian ref who mucked up the Barca-Chelsea Champions League semi must have been guest judging.) Ugly footballers need our love, too.
And so I present to you the starting eleven of the most busted, least photogenic team on the planet. Or as Mlle Trotter has called them for lo these many years, in a little pet-project of hers that I’m ripping off for this dispatch … THE ALL-UGLY TEAM!
Goalkeeper (click the links for mugshots…)
Rüstü Reçber, Besiktas JK, Turkish Super League
You may remember him from his surprise appearance in the Euro 2008 semifinal, when he came in to replace the Turkish starting keeper, who’d been throw out for fighting a Czech forward. This guy, who’s a dead ringer for Sayid from Lost (after a full beat-down from the Others), is actually the most-capped Turkish player in history. More importantly, his Besiktas squad hold a two-point lead in the Turkish Super League title race, with only three games to play. The big news out of Turkey is that both of the league’s traditional superpowers, Galatasaray and Fenerbahçe, look like they’re going to miss out on next year’s Champions League.
Defense
Ceara, Paris Saint-Germain, French Ligue 1
I can’t give the home team a pass, even though they might need it, facing a four-game sprint with Lyon for the third and final Champions League spot out of France. This Brazilian right back is a workhorse for Paris and fun to watch. But he is also ugly. So welcome to the squad, Ceara! Don’t worry, I’ll still have your back at the Parc des Princes next Saturday night against Auxerre – look for me with Walrus senior editor Jeremy Keehn in Tribune G. Allez Paris! Paris est magique!
Rio Ferdinand, Manchester United, English Premier League
He’ll have the unenviable task of marking whichever Barcelona striker breaks through the middle in the Champions League final in Rome, whether it be Eto’o, Henry or Messi. Too bad Rio shaved his head – that old fro could have done wonders in shot-blocking. Instead, he’ll have to block shots with his face. Practice makes perfect.
Carlos Puyol, Barcelona, Spanish La Liga
His mug is nothing to scoff at, but it’s that curly, bushy mane that keeps Puyol’s place in the ugly eleven. You’ll notice that we only play three-in-the-back on the All-Ugly Team. That’s because our goalie and defenders are so ugly that the opposing forwards will stay well away. Hey, it’s worked for Puyol’s club Barcelona, who have a ridiculous +72 goal differential on the season.
Midfield
Franck Ribéry (CAPTAIN), Bayern Munich, German Bundesliga
This one’s a bit unfair, as Ribéry was involved in a terrible car crash when he was an infant. Still, scars or no scars, this dude is ugly. I’ve even named him Captain Ugly – more to come on my ongoing captaincy debate with the Mlle … Also, Ribéry, in spite of his looks, has become this summer’s biggest transfer target, with Man U, Barca and others interested in buying him from Munich. He’ll be especially willing to go if Munich don’t emerge from the six-team Battle Royal for the Bundesliga title. Five points separate the top six with three to play, meaning Bayern are still in danger of missing out on the Champions League.
Look, when everybody and their dog on the sports blogosphere is pointing out your resemblance to Sloth from The Goonies, you can probably sleep safely at night, knowing your spot on the All-Ugly Team is safe. Hey you guuuuuuys!
Bakari Koné, Marseille, Ligue 1
Don’t ask me why, but this guy always sets off my ugly radar. Something about that hairline. And the furrowed brow, and the tiny ears. And the moustache. Koné has a young man’s body and an old man’s head. Or maybe I’m just bitter that Marseille are battling Bordeaux for the French title, while the Parisians have let their title hopes slip away over the past two weeks? Naw, he’s ugly.
Ronaldinho, AC Milan, Italian Serie A
The beauty of selecting Ronaldinho – old horse-face himself – to the squad is that his name evokes that of another historic ugly currently making a comeback in Brazil … yep, that’s right, Fat Ronaldo! While Ronaldo’s Corinthians began play in Brazil’s top league last weekend, Ronaldinho’s AC Milan are hanging on by a thread behind Inter Milan, who look to have the title all but sewn up.
Forward
Hulk, FC Porto, Portuguese Liga
When your nickname references a mutated, block-headed superhero, you’re not off to the greatest start. Still, at least the one they call Hulk (actual name Givanildo Vieira de Souza) doesn’t have green skin. Yet. The resemblance would be too uncanny. (The nickname comes party from the green kit worn by Hulk’s former Japanese club team, Tokyo Verdy.) Hulk’s Porto squad looks primed to hold off Sporting for the Portuguese league crown, insuring that you’ll see this ugly mug again in next year’s Champions League.
Of all the guys on this team, I’d wager that Didier’s the only one who thinks, “Hey, I shouldn’t really be here. I’m handsome, right? Yeah, I’m the most handsome man in the world!” Let’s just say the guy has no problems with self-confidence. Fortunately for the rest of us mere mortals, his club knows better – when I passed by Chelsea’s Stamford Bridge stadium in London last weekend, I didn’t see any fifty-foot promotional banners with Drogba’s face on them. Protect the innocent bystanders, you know.
Wayne Rooney, Manchester United, EPL
If Mlle Trotter were managing the All-Ugly Team, Rooney – they call him “Shrek” for good reason – would be captain. Hands down. But here’s my argument against: if you dressed up as a magical fairy godmother (just hear me out!) and snuck into Franck Ribéry’s bedroom in the middle of the night, and told him that if he wished it hard enough, he could trade faces with Rooney … I mean, Ribéry would at least have to consider that, right? No way Rooney’s making the swap for Franck’s face. Ever. Plus, we have a friend who’s often pointed out as a dead-ringer for Rooney. “But you’re way better looking than Rooney, Max,” is the common disclaimer. Yeah, sure you are.
Manager
The manager of the Romanian national team since 2004 was fired last month. So he’s available to coach our team! Plus, how terrifying would it be to have Severus Snape yelling instructions at you from the bench? You’d have to listen to Snape.
Referee
Even though he’s retired, let’s give it up for Collina, the Skeletor of International football referees. Somebody’s gotta keep these ugly guys honest out on the pitch, right? The worst part for Collina, though, is that with his bug-eyes permanently wide open, he’ll have a clear view of these eleven faces staring right back at him. That’s Dante Alighieri–level punishment there. “What’s that coach, you want to bring on a substitute? I’m not looking at you, I’m not looking at you …”
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