Yes. That’s right. I’m saying it’s over. My love affair with the socialnets might have finally ended.

As CNN and phishing scams have piled on, the gloss has come off Twitter for me. Cloud computing is just another boring concentration of power. And the (white, male, monied) tech news ratface race is blisteringly tedious. It’s not that I am going to be quitting Twitter or the cloud: I’m writing this post in the cloud on Google Docs. But it’s all completely integrated into my life now. Like breathing. Tools that are available just aren’t really that sexy anymore. (more…)

I’m Jesuspenis and I’m taking over for Chantelle today because she is sucky and heartbroken still. Grrrr.*

I’m an expert on anthropomorphism and Twitter because I am both a four pound yorkshire terrier and a Twitter identity. So I get used phatically all the time on Twitter by Chantelle.

Some examples of my incredible tweets:

I’m staring at you. 9:18 AM Apr 20th

the rain really screws up my foot-hair 1:12 PM May 2nd (more…)

So I broke my foot. I’m on a roll here: Heartbreak last week and foot-snafu this week
 
So I broke my foot.

I’m on a roll here: Heartbreak last week and foot-snafu this week. 

What ever could be next?

My Rev A Macbook Pro will arrive soon and so I expect I will have a broken churned-out-of-Shanghai-too-soon computer.

I’m as bad off as Yahoo, mewling and crawling back to Microsoft. Yahoo now needs to be bought by them after failing to close on any other offers. And me? I’ve taken for granted how well my heart and feet have served me thus far. Now I long for immediate rejuvenation.

What a pathetic pair we make.

Socialnets to the rescue! (more…)

Last night I was so unprepared (no socks; summer-weight quilt) for the temperature drop that I had to put my laptop on my feet to get to sleep. It had me thinking this would be a good example of the real-world utility of digital tech to give luddites who criticize my Internet-dependence.

The painfully common rhetorical question I get about my Twittering or streaming of my life’s details is “What is the point?” followed instantly with an explanation of why they don’t do it: because their life “isn’t interesting enough.”

The passive-aggressive implication here is that I am an arrogant turd who thinks my everyday life is interesting enough to feverishly microblog about. It is hard to intervene in this logic. But let me try. (more…)

Instead of investing in real estate and companies that make stuff and have a dull old strategy for making money the answer is clear: when the opportunity comes, invest in nothing because nothing is the future. Lehman Brothers has been around for a century and a half making huge profits, and today it’s nothing but FAIL. Same goes for newly sold Merrill Lynch. But fear not: I will provide you here with my expert Fall 2008 list that will pull us right out of economic depression and immerse us deeply in the bushy-tailed future:

Twitter
People are addicted to Twitter. You know I am. And addicts will do anything to get a fix. Sure, as of yet it has no way of making money, so investing in it will be faith based. But you believe in Jesus don’t you? The old economy has collapsed and the new economy is the only hope. Even Jack Layton is on Twitter, warming the cockles of my Canadian heart and proving how we, as a nation, are on the cutting edge. (more…)

I just had to take a quick break from re-writing the movie Red Dawn (it’s a rush job to shoot it before Patrick Swayze passes away and before everyone has jumped on the Cold War resurgence bandwagon) to talk about my Twitter heroes, the truckers.

Early adoption of GPS was mandatory for truckers given their destination-driven vocation. So they have taken to the location awareness services like Brightkite that we 3G iPhone users are just getting into. The iPhone can pinpoint your exact location and, using Brightkite you can check in at that location. (more…)

Equal amounts of laughter and applause at the night’s entertainment were followed by genuine conversation. Between my twitters, of course (twot is my Twitter name):

twot Arriving fashionably late! about 4 hours ago from txt

I even got the opportunity to talk tech with Don Gillmor who simultaneously visited and posted to our blogs for the first time ever this week. I couldn’t believe it! He had never read any of his Walrus articles online. But then he couldn’t believe I don’t read print magazines or newspapers. His curiosity and my verbosity allowed us to move beyond disbelief. (more…)

Like Dolly Parton, I love tackiness. In interviews Dolly often tells the story of being a little girl and admiring this ‘pretty lady’ in town. The lady had crimson lipstick, glittering clothes and platinum hair. She fashioned herself after this lady and it wasn’t until she was grown that she realized the lady was the town whore.

I relate to Dolly. Only I admired a place, not a person.

Growing up I dreamed of Las Vegas. Not a day went by when I didn’t imagine myself in the most beautiful place on earth: The Vegas Strip. As a child I dressed as though I was headed there (just in case). I wore gold lamé, faux-leather mini-dresses, and I stuck sparkles to my face.

It wasn’t until I was grown that I realized Paris, France, was supposed to be a far more desirable destination than Paris, Las Vegas. All the spitballs and Baby-soft perfume bombs suddenly made sense. (Note: I still haven’t made it to France).

But neither Dolly nor I changed our ways. I still prefer electric-green polyester paint-suits and neon to cotton and sunlight; likewise, Dolly never took off her wigs, nails, or boobs. (more…)

Want to scan and analyze the chatter of millions of conversations? Have an idea for a story, a song, a research paper, or are you a voyeur like me?

Go to Tweetscan.

Pick a word. Enter the word. Presto. You can even subscribe to the search and have it in your RSS feed.

Following the word walrus I have learned that they play an important role in the semiotics of the phallus (the beast not the magazine of course). And that those damn baby boomer idols The Beatles are quoted daily. We at The Walrus have a lot of work to do to remove that pantagruelian taint.

I also follow my own name and reply to everyone who uses it with a short explanation about how I am the real Chantelle. With each explanation I attempt to create the perfect and elusive self-obsessed, 140 character, haiku:

Bloody hammer finds
the lies that chantelle told you
selfish memes us two

The composition of my soul has been cleaved in two: one half social-net savant; the other A-list celebrity god-talker seeking divine counsel through a pop-cult telekinesis.The composition of my soul has been cleaved in two: One half social-net savant; the other A-list celebrity god-talker seeking divine counsel through a pop-cult telekinesis.

But everything that rises must converge.

A Hollywood A-lister has just joined Twitter: Diablo Cody (Academy Award winning screenwriter of Juno with the captivating stripper byline). This time the celebrity is real, not just a pretender scraping the Net and depositing an RSS feed into a Twitter account. And she’s great at it. Sharing just enough of her insider life to keep you panting for more:

I thought I was going to stay in last night, but I wound up on the patio of the Chateau at 2:00 a.m

And then Sharon Stone follows suit. Here comes Hollywood!

Look out, micro-celebrities Scobolizer and Leo Laporte. It’s like what happens to Ben Mulroney and Don McKellar (sorry gentle American reader, I know these names mean nothing to you) when the Hollywood cast of the Toronto International Film Festival sojourns in Toronto: Canadian niche celebrities get a train ticket to nobodysville.

The implications are enormous. (more…)

Are you sick to death of hearing about Twitter and not knowing what it is? Of feeling behind the times?

Here is a step-by-step Twitter video instruction guide presented by a pioneer lady. In just a few minutes you can be part of the modern era!

Twitter for Beginners: So Simple A Pioneer Can Do It from twitter howto on Vimeo.

Are you ready for even more? You’d better be:

• Concise and comprehensive guide to Twitter, including desktop applications and practical uses.
• Animation video overview of Twitter from Commoncraft.
• Video from the history of Twitter.
• 137 links of the most recent Twitter developments and news.
• My username on Twitter is the past form and yet femininized version of Tweet: Twot.

On my way to LAX I passed a Pollo Loco that was no ordinary fried chicken extravaganza. It was a warning.

Leaving Los Angeles is confusing. Like Twitter, it holds so much promise. As soon as I land and see would-be The Hills cast members I am comforted. Surely being proximal to those whose biggest problem is running into old frienemies at Vice will rub off. I can walk their walk, talk their talk. (more…)